Monday, March 10, 2014

5 Year Plan

When you've known someone a long while you might as well give them a long while to course correct and get on the high road again.

Just as I decided to give her 5 years the phone rings,  she says,"Hahahahaha, so you cook, you take care of the house and the kids hahahaha."

[Confused silence]

"Why don't you come for 2 week, have a good time, go back. You don't know how to relax."

"I'm happy with my life. No complaints. I read to relax."

CLICK


*****************************************************************************


Next day

RING RING

NRI obsessed Witch,"I am starting an MA in two days. My husband is taking a transfer to Delhi. Bye."

***************************************************************************

Best feeling ever when the witch chooses to make an exit.

Her extreme derision of me for those six months was based on her assumption that those who cook have no brain or some similar asinine assumption.

NRI Boobs

NRI obsessed witch,"Kal raat hum porn dekh rahe they. Pata hai, Gujarati and Telugu couples are the most advanced. Sonaliiiiii, the things they do. And show you."

Me,"Hmmm....I didn't know there were regional differences in what people do."

NRI obsessed witch,"....blah blahblah ... aur woh Kranti na apni cleavage dikhaa rahi thi....more blah blah blah on NRI boobs."

Me,"Aisa hai, baigan jal jayenge. Frying them Bengali style. Burnt haldi mirch tastes bad. Will talk to you tomorrow."

NRI obsessed witch,"Orderly battalion should be disbanded, then these baisahibs will get up and move."

Lunch ke baad humne email kholi. Usme tamamm boobs ki photo bhej rakhi thi Witch ne.

Mujhe lagaa shayad email address galat chun liya hoga humne kuch nahin kaha.

Phir yeh roz ka silsila ho gaya.

Humne kuch nahin kaha.

Do teen mahine mein she took the hint, asked,"main spam to nahin bhej rahi hoon?" and stopped sending them my way.


                                                                                                                          -  SDG

Sunday, March 9, 2014

A League of Extraordinary Women

NRI obsessed witch,"Aaj kal humara chotasa sheher tumhare America se koi kam nahin, net ki wajahse."

Me,"Har jageh ki apni plus points aur negatives hoti hain. Compare karna bekaar hai. Har tarah ki exposure mile, usise apna worldview expand hota hai. Hamesha ek hi jageh rehene se alag viewpoint develop hota hai, baar baar jageh badalne se alag viewpoint develop hota hai."

NRI obsessed witch"Main dekh rahi hoon woh jo website tumne bheji. Achchi hai. Kranti ko bhi email kiya maine. Use badi pasand aayee. Woh kab itni intelligent hui? College mein toh bakwaas thi. Ab badi badi books padhne lagi."

Me,"Kaha na baba log responsibility ke saath badalte hain. Aur bakwaas woh kabhi bhi nahin thee. Usne scholarship se foreign study ki thi, yaad hai."

NRI obsessed witch"Woh kya, khub flirt karke, ghoom phir ke aa gayee waapis."

Me,"Scholarship mili toh thi usko. Kisise pyar ho gaya, shaadi karli."

NRI obsessed witch,"Magar dekho toh usko, ab badi intellectual ho rahi hai."

Me,"Uski baatein chod. Tum dono ki kabhi nahin bani, ab kyon banegi? Aur jo hamare padosi they, woh kahan hain? "

NRI obsessed witch,""Hai hai hai, uski na poocho. UPSC kya pass kar liya usne, humko pehechaanti tak nahin, jaise hum usse koi help maangne ja rahe hon. Tum India aaogee tab tum mat milna usse, woh bilkul prostitute jaisi hai."

Me,"OMG!!! Woh kitni intelligent aur hansmukh, thi. Itni achchee naukri mili. Yeh tum kya bol rahi ho?"

NRI obsessed witch,"She is known as a prostitute."

Me,"F*** no!!!"

NRI obsessed witch,"Haaannh. Kehe rahi hoon usse door raho."

Me,"Aur woh doosri neighbor? Woh IIM waali."

NRI obsessed witch,"Phir ek prostitute ka naam liya."

Me,"Kya???"

NRI obsessed witch,"She is famous."

Me,"Seriously??? I'm scandalized (fake shock in my voice)."

NRI obsessed witch,"Don't talk to her. She married that piece of shit movie maker."

Me,"Oh really??? I thought he is one of those renowned movie makers. I had heard of him but wasn't aware they got married. Nice jodi. Both smart people."

NRI obsessed witch,"Smart nahin hai."

Me,"I don't know. She has a fabulous job. She seems smart (tumari baat samajh chuki hoon voice)."

NRI obsessed witch,"Don't meet her when you come to India. When you come, come to my place. We'll have a great time."


Me,"Hokay."

There emerged an unmistakable pattern through these interactions.
Anybody who cleared the UPSC or got an MBA was labeled "prostitute" and I was told to not meet them ever.


My recollection of them is that they are extraordinary women, smart, humble, articulate, capable, highly respected.

What I had forgotten was that the witch failed the UPSC exams three times.

Go figure.

My Staff Is Bigger Than Your Staff (sic)

RING RING

NRI obsessed witch,"My staff is threatening to go on leave."

Me,"Bataayaa nahin tumne. When did you start working?"

"Woh Ghanshyam subeh ka khana banaataa hai, woh 3 maheene jaa raha hai, beti ki shaadi karne. Motilal hai, almaari mein kapde rakhta hai. Uski maa beemaar hai. Sohan bhi kehe raha hai bhai ki shaadi hai. Just imagine, 3 out of 10 servants will be gone. Mai kya karoongi?"

"Baki saat hain na. Sambhaal lenge. Tum chintaa na karo."

"Badi mushkil se dus jamaa kiye hain meine. Sab poochte rehete hain itne aadmi kahan se laaye. Main apni secret kyon bataaoon. Sab ko chahiyen dus ardali."

"Haan kaafi mehenat lagti hai dus ardali jamaa karne mein."

"I have to go, 3 out of 10 staff are going on vacation. Let me get some things done before they leave."

 "Take care. Bye."

                                                                                                                                 - SDG                                                                                                                                                    

NRI Aao Na

Ek saptah baad ...

NRI mania waali,"Sonali tum bhi aao na. Woh toh gayee. Tumhare jaise din bhar bachchon ka kaam karti reheti hai, khana banaati hai, bachchon ko padhati hai, woh bilkul change ho gayee hai. Woh bindaas ladki thi, kabhi nahin padhti thi. Ab dekho usko."

"Log badalte hain responsibility ke saath."

"Tum bhi aao. Tum Americans bade serious hote ja rahe ho. Come on yaar, have some fun, screw around for 2 weeks, we'll discuss the details over a couple of whiskeys."

"I'll come sometime. I want to show the kids Bheembetka, and old the touristy spots of Pachmari. Whiskey mere bas ki baat nahin. Aam ka panaa chalega."

"You are so boring. Have fun yaar. Pataa maine kya kiya, meri friend IAS mein hai, uski government ki international plan hai, Manhattan ka phone ghumaayaa. Uski mummy ne uthaayaa. Phir se lagaya, woh nahin uthaayaa."

"Phir kya hua."

"I can't call him any more. My friend got so scared she got diarrhea after I used her phone. She is refusing to let me borrow her phone. He is not responding to my mails. Kya karoon? I'm lost. And my husband is kicked."

"That is interesting."

"See it opens up so many possibilities."

"Hmmmm.....I get it."



                                                                                                                       - SDG


                                                                                           

Bachpan Ke Saathi

Yeh NRI mania wali ne phone kiya,"Sonaliiiiiiii......kya aafat aa gayee hai. America se land hui, hamaare yahan aayee hai. Itne plunging necklines pehen rahi hai. Sirf mere husband ki baat hoti, I would let him get his kicks. Lekin tumhe toh pata hai, mere yahan 10 ardali hain male, woh bhi dekh rahen hain, maze le rahen hain. Ek hafte ke liye aayee hai, bus 4 din aur, phir chalee jayegi. Yeh Americans bhi naa!"

Bulaya tumhine tha, bheekh maange, "Ek raat, bus ek raat hamare yahan ruko." Ab dekho woh kya keheti hai tumhare baare mein. Woh seedhee hai. Kuch nahin kahegi. Tumne yeh samajh rakhaa hai ki usko kabhi nahin pataa chalega, haan?



                                                                                                                          - SDG

Sunday, March 2, 2014

NRI mania

Is desi witch ko NRI obsession ho gayee hai.
Ek raat, bus ek raat bhi koi NRI uske ghar ruke, woh phooli nahin samaati hai.
Bus phir kaheen dekh liya kisi NRI ko chipak jaati hai,"Aaonaa, ek raat raho hamaare yahaan."


How stupid is that?

                                                                                                                           - SDG

teesri line, phir chauthi

Witches apni team to phone lines pe nachaati hain.
Ek din woh phir dhadd se gir jaati hain.

                                                                                                                          - SDG