As is the custom for the witch and her spouse, the witch was walking 2 steps ahead of her husband, he was bringing up the rear, bent over, his head a good foot up her arse, when they hit a bump in the road.
That dislodged his head from the cavernous dark tight spot it had been stuck in for years and for the first time in years he felt the rush of cool fresh air on his face and he inhaled deeply.
Ugghhh, he realized his face was covered in poop.
He just wanted to kill that bump in the road.
- SDG
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Mujhe dekho, yeh meri naukrani hai
Summer, three years ago.
Kayee witches ko dekha hai joh ek sundar gori kuch padhi likhi nuakrani ghar mein rakhteen hain.
Unko sundar si saariyaan deti hain pehenne ko.
Log jab peheli baar unke ghar aate hain humesha naukrani ko maalkin aur maalkin ko ardali samajhte hain.
Witches ka khud ka andaaz kuch mardon jaisa hota hai unka, pant shirt peheni hui, chote baal, cigarette, sharab, muh mein gaali, tumbaakoo, paan ...
Kuch aisi hoteen hain, sar dhank ke mandir jaatee hain, woh padosi se milne ...
Dono variety ki witches pati ki poori kamaayee apne paas rakhteen hain.
Bachchon samaan pati unse 20 kabhi 30 rupye poochte hain.
Woh kabhi dulaar se de deti hain, kabhi jhaanpad maar ke naa kar deti hain.
Yeh kya chakkar hai?
- SDG
Kayee witches ko dekha hai joh ek sundar gori kuch padhi likhi nuakrani ghar mein rakhteen hain.
Unko sundar si saariyaan deti hain pehenne ko.
Log jab peheli baar unke ghar aate hain humesha naukrani ko maalkin aur maalkin ko ardali samajhte hain.
Witches ka khud ka andaaz kuch mardon jaisa hota hai unka, pant shirt peheni hui, chote baal, cigarette, sharab, muh mein gaali, tumbaakoo, paan ...
Kuch aisi hoteen hain, sar dhank ke mandir jaatee hain, woh padosi se milne ...
Dono variety ki witches pati ki poori kamaayee apne paas rakhteen hain.
Bachchon samaan pati unse 20 kabhi 30 rupye poochte hain.
Woh kabhi dulaar se de deti hain, kabhi jhaanpad maar ke naa kar deti hain.
Yeh kya chakkar hai?
- SDG
Sonali Deuskar Gurpur Ab
aayee baat samajh mein. Witch ne kaha,"Dekho Sonali, kuch dinon mein ek
aadmi se mann bhar jaataa hai. Mardon ka bhi yehi haal hota hai. Hum kya
karte hain, waise toh hum ek doosre ko poori aazaadi dete hain, samjhi
na? Aur phir jab hum milte hain hum
chote chote games khelte hain, kabhi main doctor woh compounder, kabhi
main masterni woh student, kabhi main daroga woh mujrim, kabhi main
customer service woh customer, bada maza aataa hai unko. mera bhi kaam
ban jaata hai. Jab mein US aaoongi, tumhare ghar zaroor aaoongi."
Lekin yeh naukrani ka raaz nahin na bataya witch ne.
Lekin yeh naukrani ka raaz nahin na bataya witch ne.
Sonali Deuskar Gurpur ek
vriddh mahila hain, hamesha beemaar reheti hain, jo witch ko achchi
tarah se jaanti hain, kehe rahi hain, naukrani ka bank account hai, ghar
hai, zammen hai, magar witch ke paas uske kagazat hain.
Naukrani khana banati hai, dus aur tarah tarah ke kaam karti hai. Yeh jo naukrani hai, uske do bachche hain, woh bhi witch ke full control mein hain. Woh naukani witch ke liye ATM machine samaan hai.
Naaukrani jo hai, woh rummy ke game ki joker bhi hai.
Jis din game khatam, us din naukrani gayab.
Chey aath din mein nayi naukarni aa jayegi.
Yeh hai Witch ka formula.
Operative word here is FULL CONTROL.
Two years ago.
Naukrani khana banati hai, dus aur tarah tarah ke kaam karti hai. Yeh jo naukrani hai, uske do bachche hain, woh bhi witch ke full control mein hain. Woh naukani witch ke liye ATM machine samaan hai.
Naaukrani jo hai, woh rummy ke game ki joker bhi hai.
Jis din game khatam, us din naukrani gayab.
Chey aath din mein nayi naukarni aa jayegi.
Yeh hai Witch ka formula.
Operative word here is FULL CONTROL.
Two years ago.
Sonali Deuskar Gurpur Lagta
hai kam se kam cheh mahine aur yeh naukrani kahin nahin jayegi. Woh pet
se hai. Witch ka husband emotional ho raha hai. Witch ne apne husband
se kaha, "Aisa karo, tum musalmaan ban jao. Naurkani se nikah kar lo.
Ladka hua toh main usko godh leloongi.
Aaj ke zamaane mein school college ki fees kafi hoti hai. Hamara beta
padhne likhne mein gol ho toh aur bhi jyaadaa. Tum mujhe 3 crore do,
main maulvi bulwaaoon."
Witch ka husband ro pada,"Darling tum kitni achchi ho."
Witch,"Woh toh main hoon. Maulviji aate hi honge. Dekha tume, Sunanda Pushkar ka kriya karm ho gaya. Samjhe?"
Husband,"Haanh yaar, samajh gaya. Tension mein hoon. 50 rupay dena. Cigarette mangana hai."
Witch, jhaanpad maarte huye,"Saale haraamzaade, cigarette chahiye tujh ko. Apne crorepati baap se jaake maang. Kya diya aaj tak tere maa baap ne? Hanh? Is ghar ki ek ek eenth mere kaaran jageh pe hai. Cigarette chaahiye."
Aur witch ne band almaari se ek cigarette nikaali aur sulgaaee, husband ke chehere pe dhooaan phukkar dahaad dahaad ke hansi.
Uske hansne ki goonj 3 ghar door tak sunaayi de rahi hai.
"Darling, maulvi ji ki appointment kal hai, jummeraat ki. Mere liye ek Nizam ki biwi type set khareedoge na? Main senior biwi hoon. Aur tum kitne bade aadmi ho. Kaise lagoongi woh tumhare chote se mangalsutra mein? Log hasenge." hahahahahaha
Witch ka husband ro pada,"Darling tum kitni achchi ho."
Witch,"Woh toh main hoon. Maulviji aate hi honge. Dekha tume, Sunanda Pushkar ka kriya karm ho gaya. Samjhe?"
Husband,"Haanh yaar, samajh gaya. Tension mein hoon. 50 rupay dena. Cigarette mangana hai."
Witch, jhaanpad maarte huye,"Saale haraamzaade, cigarette chahiye tujh ko. Apne crorepati baap se jaake maang. Kya diya aaj tak tere maa baap ne? Hanh? Is ghar ki ek ek eenth mere kaaran jageh pe hai. Cigarette chaahiye."
Aur witch ne band almaari se ek cigarette nikaali aur sulgaaee, husband ke chehere pe dhooaan phukkar dahaad dahaad ke hansi.
Uske hansne ki goonj 3 ghar door tak sunaayi de rahi hai.
"Darling, maulvi ji ki appointment kal hai, jummeraat ki. Mere liye ek Nizam ki biwi type set khareedoge na? Main senior biwi hoon. Aur tum kitne bade aadmi ho. Kaise lagoongi woh tumhare chote se mangalsutra mein? Log hasenge." hahahahahaha
Sonali Deuskar Gurpur
Witch ne farmaya,"Yeh naukrani badi chant lagti hai. Roz shaam hamare sath stool pe baithke CSI dekhti hai. Kal usko dekha "Karamchand" dekh rahi thi. Iska koi plan to nahi hai? Angrezi samajh leti hai."
Witch ke husband ne kaha,"Hanh aathmi pass hai. Brahman hai. Uski ma bhi padhi likhi thi, uski nani bhi padhi likhi thi, uski dadi bhi padi likhi thi. Purane zamane ke padhe likhe logon ki baat hi aur thi. Tabhi to yeh itni cultured lagti hai. Uthne baithne ka dhang hai. Bade ghar ki betiyon samaan hai. Stool pe baithi thi toh kya hua. Pet se hai. Usko sofe pe bithati tum. Lekin tumme insaaniyat ki kami hai."
Utne mein rum ki bottle husband ke sir pe phooti.
Sonali Deuskar Gurpur
Witch,"Dekha, kya kiya aaj naukrani ne?"
Witch ka pati," Haan, dekha, computer pe."
Witch,"Kya dekha? Kuch samjhe?"
Pati,"Kya samjhoon?"
Witch,"Arre waah!!! Tumse zyaadaa moorkh insaan is poore duniya mein nahin hai. Knitting ke needle aur crochet ki needle kharid ke laayi hai magar uun nahin."
Pati,"Khareed legi. Shayad paise nahin honge."
Witch,"Mujhe to lagta hai uska koi plan hai. Brahmanon pe vishwas nahin karte. Jab koi marta hai tab woh humse paise lete hain, jab koi janam leta hai tab woh humse paise lete hain. Woh brahman hai na. Zaroor uski aur uske bachchon ki kundaliyan hongi. Mujhe laake doge?"
Pati,"Kahan se lakar doon?"
Witch,"Jaao uske kamre mein. Dhoondo."
Pati,"Tum dhoondho jaake."
Witch,"Log kya kahenge?"
Pati,"Kaun se log?"
Witch,"Naukar log. Hamare naukar Pathak ke naukar se kehege. Woh jaakar Baagadiya ke naukar se kahenge, Bagadiya ki naukrani Sampath ki biwi ko saaari kabar deti hai. Sampath ki biwi meri classmate hai."
Pati,"Tum aur tumhare classmate. Main dekhoonga agli baar."
Witch,"Gadhe ki poonch se kabhi kuch maang ke dekha hai?"
**********
Witch,"Chaar din ho chuke. Naukrani yaad nahin aayee. Viagra dilwaaoon kya?"
Pati,"Kya har choti choti baat pe tokti reheti ho. Band karo bakwaas."
Witch,"Tum jaise aalsi bandar pe kaun bharosa karta hai. Maine apne mamaji se kaha mujhe le chalo, aur unke saath government hospital jaa kar naukrani aur uske bachchon ki birth certificate nikaal li maine aur kundali bhi banwa li. Pandit maharaj ne kaha hai, uski kundali mein khot hai. Nikah mut kar lena. Woh hum sabko maar daalegi. Meri kundali mein pata nahin kya khot hai jo tum jaise aalsi bandar ki madari hoon main?
RING RING
Pati,"Chup raho do minute. CEO sahab ka phone hai."
Witch," Kya kaha CEO sahab ne?"
Pati,"Kal subeh jaldi bulaya hai. Kuch zaroori kam hai."
Witch,"Yeh CEO ko kya jane kya ho gaya hai. Jab tab tumko bula lete hain. Company mein dus aur log bhi toh hain."
Pati,"Sensitive mamla hai. Har koi ko bataya nahin ja sakta hai. Isliye."
Witch,"Hrrrmmmphhh bhav kha rahe ho bade, Tankha toh utni ki utni de raha hai. Kaam nikalwa raha hai tumse. Tum itne moork ho tum nahin samajh paaoge."
Pati,"Picture dekhni hai? Tarzan lagi hai."
*************
Witch ka pati,"Maulviji se kehena program cancel agle mahine ka. Paise yun bhi mil sakte hain. Maulviji ki ab zaroorat nahin.
Witch,"Sach??Bataao kaise."
Pati,"Intazaam ho chuka memsahib. Uske gharwaale usko bechne ko tayaar hain. Udhar kareeddar tayaar hain. Poore paise nahin milenge. Logon ka muh band karwane ke liye kuch toh baksheesh deni padegi. Ek navratan ka set aur ek diamond ka haar tumhara. Khush?"
Witch,"Janaab, hum jhooti tassalli se khush nahin hote. Dum hai toh kar ke dikhaaoo."
Pati,"Tum mein dum hai toh tum karke dikhaao."
Witch,"Ghaziabad se 80 kilometer door ek jagah hai. Mujhko le chalo. Mein ek ek kaam karwa ke dikhaaoon. Sab seekh liya meine bus ek gadi chalani nahi aayee warna poori duniya mere kaboo mein hothi."
Pati,"Done."
Witch,"Done. Hamare yahan kehete hain jab bachcha rota hai, maa ke aankh mein paani aur aanchal mein doodh bhar aatha hai. Doodh bada mehenga hai in dinon. Hahahahahahahaha"
***************
Witch, ishare se, "Bandh karo phone."
Pati, phone band karte hue, bina baat poori kiye,"Kyon?"
Witch,"Uske baap se baat mat karo. Tumhaari tarah woh bhi satheeyaa gaya hai. Laao phone mujhe do. Main uski amma ka number milaaoon. Woh hai asli kaartoos."
♫ Kya hai moble number? Kya karoon dial number? ♫ Number dial hua.
Witch,"Haan ji hello ji. Ji aap kaisi hain? Aaj mangalwaar hai, aap ka bhi vrat hoga. Main zyada waqt nahin loongi.
... Aap ki beti ki dekh bhaal bilkul first class ho rahi hai. Chinta ki koi baat nahi. Main hoon na.
... Ji woh paise. Humare paas itne nahin na hain. Aisa kyun nahin karte, hum dono uski sewa karenege, 6 mahine woh aapke paas rahegi, 6 mahine humare paas. Jab bojh aadhaa hua, daam bhi aadhaa kar lete hain. Aap samjhdaar hain, samjh gayee hongi. Beti aapki, naati aapka.
... Phone karna zaroor. Main aapke phone ki wait karoongi. Ji pranam. Jai ramji ki. Phone dena uncleji ko. Pranam kar loon. "
... "Namashkar Uncleji. Pailaagoon panditji. Aaap yaad katre hain na mujhko. Mere mummy daddy bhi aapko bade pyar se yaad karte hain. aapki beti meri behen hai. Woh yahan raaj karegi. Aap koi sankoch na karen. Ji namaskaar ji. Jai ramji ki."
Click.
Pati,"Kya kaha unhone?"
Witch,"Sathiyaya sa buddha hai tumhari tarah. Maan gaya. Paison ke maamlon mein tum dakhal mat dena. Tumko paise sambhaalne nahin aate. Kabhi paise dekhe kahan hain tumne jo tum seekh sako. Mujhe dekho, main hazaron mein khelti thi. Tabhi toh paise jodne mujhe aate hain. Tum kabhi nahin seekh paaoge."
Pati,"Aaj mausam bada suhana hai. Ghaziabad chalen?"
Witch,"Arre moorkh. Pandit Maharaj se pooche bina Ghaziabad chal diye??? Tum bhi naa...doodh peete bachchon se bhi zyaadaaa naadaan ho."
Pati,"Zaraa sa sar dard hai. Kuch mat kehena mujhse."
Witch,"Brandy piyo. Pehele paani ubaalo, phir ek patiala peg banaalo. Ek mere liye bhi."
Pati,"Pee letaa magar office ke kaam pade hain. Aye Shankar, bai se kehena ek cup adrak ki chai aur ek ajwain ka paratha banaegi mere liye."
Shankar naukar,"Ji sahab."
Witch, "Aye Ramu. Idhar aa. Mere pair kaun dabayega?"
Ramu naukar,"Ji aap ne kaha tha gamle mein paani dene ke liye. Pipe se paani de raha tha."
Witch,"Chal aajaa, haath ponch le."
Pati,"Shankar, mar gaya kya?"
Shankar naukar,"Ji sir, woh bai nahin mil rahi hai. Uska kamra khaali hai. Sandook bhi gayab hai."
Pati,"Kahan gayi, dhoondho use."
Witch,"Arre chodo yaar. Randiyon ke beton ke baapon ke naam nahin na hote. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hehehehehehe hohohoho."
MORAL OF THE STORY SO FAR
Bua ne kaha tha na, jis din game khatam, us din naukrani gayab.
******************************
Witch,"Kya dhoop mein lete lete gungunaa rahe ho 'main na bhooloongee, main na bhooloong'? Gaane ka shauk kab se laga liya?"
Pati,"Kuch toh karna padega. Woh akeli itni saari majbooriyon ke saath, aur uske andhe baapu aur uski saunteli maa...kuch toh karna padega."
Witch,"Kyon, woh tumhara dost hai na Rajan, woh Alabama ka padha hua. Uski shaadi ab bhi nahi hui. Phir Seth Dhuaandhaar hain. Unse keheke dekhti hoon Woh bilkul unke type ki hai. 3 toh kya 4 crore dene ko tayaar ho jaayenge. Aur humko dene ke bajaaye lene padenge. hahahahah Hai na idea?!! Haath milaao."
Pati,"Ek woh subedaar bhi hai. Usse pooch ke dekhte hain."
Witch,"Woh gareeb. Chodo usko. Dhuaandhaar ka private number hai mere paas. Ro kyon rahe ho? Tumhari amma ka shraadh hai kya? ...(RING RING) ... Hellooo Seth Sahib. Kya haal chaal hain? Aapka Amsterdam ka trip kaisa raha...Ji, shaam ko milte hain, phir baatein hongi. Theek hai, kuch der mein. Aaap abhi gaddi per hain? ...Ok hum phir woh Grand Road wale ghar panhuchte hain. See you. (CLICK) Chalo utho muh haath dho theek se. Tumko bade logon ke beech uthna baithna na aya, theek se muh haath bhi dhona nahin aya. Saaf kameez peheno ja ke nahin toh unke naukar lagoge. Tum mat peena."
Pati,"Kyon?"
Witch,"Gaadi kaun chalaaega. Driver ko le ke koi aisi jageh thodehi na jaataa hai. Yeh kaam toh dabe paanv hote hain. Dekho, aur seekho kuch. Main mar gayee toh tum kya karoge? Tumko mere bina kuch nahin karna aata hai. Aisa lagta hai jaise tumhe godh le liya ho. Chalo utho. Muh dho."
*************************
Pati,"Dekha, kaha tha na maine. Seth nahin maanegaa. Itna bada vyaapaar hai, aise paagal risk aise log nahin lete hain. Woh dimaag se kaam lete hain.
Witch,"Tum dimaag ki baat mat karo. Dimaag hain tumhare paas? Main jo kaam karne nikalti hoon woh kaam poora hota hai. Tum jo kaam karne nikalte ho woh mittee mein mil jaataa hai. Woh tumhaari amma par jo shraap hai, uske kaaran. Main na hoti to tum dekhte tumhaari zindagi barbaad hoti. Tum jo bhi ho woh mere karan ho. Ek ek taraqqi mere karan hui hai. Ghar tumhara mere kaaran bana hai. Warna tum kisi guest house mein rehete. Yeh jo meri nau ungaliyon mein charkra hain, yeh sab tumhare kaam aaye hain. Apni kundali padhwaayee kabhi? Jamaadaar rehete tum, agar main na hoti toh. Meri duson ungaliyon mein chakr hote toh Rahul Gandhi se meri shaadi hoti. Ek kum tha toh tum mile. Seth ne manaa kiya toh kya hua. "
**************************************
(RING RING)
Witch,"Sonali yeh, kya. Sab Facebook par likh diya?"
Me,"Ek ya do baatein tumhaari hain baaki sab fiction. Koi nahin samajh payega. Tum chinta naa karo."
Witch,"Kya hai bataaoon. Tumhari galati nahin hai yeh. Tumhaari mummy ne tumko theek se training nahin na di. Yeh ghar ghar ki kahaani hai. Mere dono bhaaeeyon ke ghar bhi aisa he arrangement hai, meri mummy ne bhi aisa hi kiyaa thaa, meri daadi ne bhi, meri naani ne bhi. Chalo, tum bhi fataafat samjho aur seekho."
Me,"Bachchon ko bahar le jaane ka plan tha. Hum late ho rahe hain. Bye."
MORAL OF THE STORY SO FAR:
Sirf padhne likhne se kuch nahin hota.
**********************************************
A Year Ago
Witch,"Kaha na tumse, tum chup chaap baithe raho. Main jo kaam karne nikalti hoon woh kaam poora hota hai. Tum jo kaam karne nikalte ho woh mittee mein mil jaataa hai."
***********************************************
Witch,"Boss se kaho tumhari nani mar gayee. Chalo Ghaziabad."
Pati,"Teen teen zaroori meeting hain aaj. Kam chaupat ho jayegaa."
Witch,"Chalte ho ya main lagaaoon phone Surekha ko?"
Pati,"Chalo baba. Ek minute ki fursat nahin milti hai. Chalo."
Witch,"Bachchon, humein zaroori kaam se bahar jana hai. Daddy ke office se phone aayaa toh kehena family mein death hui hai."
Pati,"Chalo."
Witch,"Bye kids. (muah) Mummy loves you....Ghuso gaadi mein. Chaar baje se pehele panhunchna hai. Pandit Maharaj ne kaha hai."
Pati,"Kyon, aisi kya jaldi hai ."
Witch,"Chalo pehele."
************
Witch,"Yeh, idhar se gaadi modo."
Pati,"Yeh toh jungle hai."
Witch,"Haan, toh hai. Apna kaam karwana hai ki nahin?"
Pati,"Tum unse baat karo."
Witch,"Maine tumko baat karne ke liye bulaayaa yanhan? Tum baitho chup chaap. Maine phone pe Babaji se salah le li hai. Bus 10 minute ka kaam hai. Apna ek baal dena."
Pati,"Naak ka doon kya? hahahaha"
Witch,"Doge ya ukhaadloon?"
Pati,"Yeh lo."
Witch,"Wait here."
Pati,"Sure."
******************************
Witch,"Pranaam Babaji. Sab kuch hai mere paas. Yeh kaam shuru keejeeye."
************************************
Witch,"Kya alsaa rahe ho. Chalo ghar."
Pati,"Kya baat hui?"
Witch,"Aage aage dekho hotaa hai kya....naukrani lautke humare ghar aa jayegi."
Pati,"Phir wohi naatak. Tumko naatak karne hon toh tum yaheen raho."
Witch,"Aaj kuch special ho jai. Delhi chalein?"
Pati,"Delhi, yes, Delhi."
******************************************
MORAL OF THE STORY SO FAR :
A leopard can't change it's spots.
Nor can the deer.
********************************************************
Witch,"Ab Dilli door nahin."
Pati,"Chicken kabab aur ek thandi beer."
Witch,"Celebration time."
********************************************************
Witch,"Dilli ke raaste thumhe pata nahin. Tum yahan ruko. Mein aati hoon."
Pati,"Main kya karoon?"
Witch,"Jaaoo, koi film dekh aao."
Pati,"Sholay lagi hai. Dekh loonga."
Witch,"Bye."
Ek patli si gali mein witch jadi jadi lambi kadmon se aage badthe hue ek darwaze per ruki aur khatkhatake andar gayi. 5 ghante baad nikli.
********************************************************************
Pati,"Sholay khatam ek ghanta hua. Itni der kya kar raheen theen?"
Witch," Time ginna nahin aathaa tumhe? Quality ka kaam chahiye toh waqt lagta hai."
Pati,"Chalo jaldi. CEO ne subeh jaldi bulaya hai. Do din kaam ruk gaya. Bahut kaam hoga."
Witch,"CEO ko bada prem hai tumse. Paise itne kum kyon deta hai ? Tum faltu ke moorkh ban rahe ho."
Pati,"Jinse kaam hota hai unse kaam liya jaataa hai."
************************************************************************
Witch,"5 mahene ho gaye naukarani nahin lauti.Ttumne tumhara hi baal diya tha ya kisi aur ka?"
Pati,"Kaun se baal?"
Witch,"Us din, Ghaziabad ke paas."
Pati," Tumhare saamne hi toh diya tha."
Witch,"Phir woh bandhi kyon nahin? Babaji ne dhokha diya kya? Shaayad unko aur paise chaahiye honge. Chalo phir se Ghaziabad."
Pati,"Shaayad tumko pata nahin hoga kayee saadhu santh rehete hain yahaan bhi. Woh sab jaante hain tumne kya kiyaa. Kayee logon ne mujhse kaha hain tumne kya kya kiya. Ab bus."
Witch,"Sab bakwaas hai. Maine kuch nahin kiya. Maine sirf tumhaari taraqqi ke liye pooja karti hoon."
Pati,"Haan, woh toh theek hai. Magar jin logon ke uupar, yaani bachchon ke uupar jo tumne kiya woh galath tha. Kisike bachchon ko sataate nahin."
Witch,"Baandhne ka koi aur tareeqa nahin hai. Bachche baandhne aasaan hote hain."
Pati,"Unki kundaliyan pheko. Unke photo do waapas. Babaji se kaho unko nahin baandhe. Bachchon ke saath aisa nahin karte."
Witch,"Kyon?"
Pati,"Aisa kisi ke saath nahin karte."
Witch,"Nikaalo paise. Main taxi karke jaaoon Babaji ke paas. Tum dekhte raho aage aage hota hai kya."
*****************************************************************
Witch,"Kya computer pe din bhar tik tik tik tik karte rehete ho?
Laao, do mujhe.
Aaj se computer band."
Computer under lock and key hui.
****************************************************************
Witch,"Aankhein bigad jaayengii. Phone do. Kisi ka phone aya toh main de doongi."
Phone memsahib ke pocket mein gaya.
"Dekho aise udaas nahin hote. Tumse kya lena dena in aafaton ka? Chalo aaj Agra ki sair karke aate hain. Taj Mahal kitna sundar lagta hai is mausam mein. Chalo. Utho. Aaj main gaadi chalaaoongi. Tum dekhte rahiyo."
****************************************************************
Witch,"Mrs. Sampat, aaeeye, aaeeye. Aaj kaise yaad kiya?"
Mrs Sampat,"Yeh Mrs. Sampat kab se ho gayee main?? Tumne hamesha mujhko Gita kehkar bulaayaa hai."
Witch,( ghabraate hue) ,"Haan yaar, woh toh mazaak mein kaha tha."
Mrs. Sampat,"Bura na manana. Jaldi mein hoon. Woh tumhari Bai nahin dikhti hai in dinon. Koi aur naukri dhoondhli usne?"
Witch,"Hanh, woh doosre gaanw chali gayee."
Mrs. Sampat,"Uska pata ho toh dena."
Witch,"Pata nahin kahan gayee woh."
Mrs. Sampat,"Pata lage toh zaroor batana. Hum bhi ek bai dhoondh rahe hain."
Witch,"Zaroor."
Mrs Sampat,"Thanks. Main chaloon."
************************************************************************
Witch,"Sampat ki biwi Gita yahan khud chal ke aayee thi aaj bai ke baare mein poochne. Kuch pata laga kahan hai woh? Uski amma ko bhi nahin pata."
Pati,"Hanh woh Dubai chali gayee. Uske bete ko ek sheik ne godh le liya."
Witch,"Dekha. Kaha tha na. Tum musalmaan banke usse nikah karlo. Tum nahin maane. Tumhara beta musalmaan hi hoga. Mera andaazaa kabhi galat nahin jaataa. Teen teen baba logon ne kaha tha yeh magar tumme itni samajh kahan hai? Ab woh agar al-qaida ki training le kar aaegaa toh tum kya karoge??
********************************************************************
Shivraatri ke din
Witch,"SUCCESS!!! Naukrani aaj India aa rahi hai !!! Hahaha ...dekha babaji ka kamaal. Dhamaal hoga dhamaal is sheher mein. Aaj tak kisine NRI bai nahin dekhi hai. Tumhari umr ho gayi hai. CEO ne promote nahin kiya toh phir bus char din ki chaandni phir andheri raat. Koi tumhari shakl bhi nahin pehechaanega. Phataphat society mein apni jageh banaa lo. Bai ko kamsekam ek raat humare yahan rukne ko kaho. Aur haan, kehena duty free se 2 Chivas Regal le kar aayegi. Shivraatri ke din Shiva's Regal ho jaye. Ab woh bhi maalkin hai. Muscat mein ghar, dubai mein ghar. Log boojh nahin payenge yeh hamare haath aayee kaise."
Pati,"Bai aakar chali bhi gayee. Tumhari information purani hai."
"Tumne dekha usko?"
Pati,"Computer pe."
"Woh toh Muscat ho ya Dubai ya yahan. Koi fark nahin padtha. Waise kehete hain ke Muscat ke raaste America ke raaston se bhi jyada achche hain."
Pati,"Raaston se kya lena dena?"
"Bus ek baat kahe rahi hoon. Raste me dhachke khaate khaate yehi soch rahi thi. Bai ab dhachke nahin kaati hai. Kismat wali hai. Mujhe dekho, saari zindagi raston mein dhachke khaayen hain maine."
Pati,"Tum too much raston mein ghoomti phirti ho."
"Baaaa tum ab bhi gareebon samaan batein karte ho. Mujhe bachpan se aadath hai roz ghoomne phirne ki. Kaun ghar mein bore baitha reheta hai? Sirf gareeb log."
Pati, "Shankar.....aye Shankar."
"Shankar naukar aaj beemaar hai."
Pati,"Ramu se kaho chai banayega."
"Kaunsa Ramu?"
Pati,"Kya matlab?"
"Ramu gaya gaon."
Pati,"Chai tum se nahin banegi. Main bana loon."
"Haan yaar. Teri jageh chulhe ke peeche. Bai ab gayee. CEO ko pataana padega. Babaji se pooch loon kya karna hai. Tum kitni der se chai bana rahe ho banti hi nahi. Tumko chai tak teek se banana nahin aataa. Kya gajab type insaan ho. Tumko kuch bhi nahin aataa."
************************************************************************
Witch,"Utho, subeh ho gayi. Chai kaun banayega."
Pati, "Raat der tak phone pe tha. Suna hoga tumne. Sone do mujhe. Sar dard hai."
"Utho chai piyo. Sar dard bhaag jayega."
kuch der baad .......
Pati, "Yeh lo. Chai aur bread roll."
"Arre wah. Yaad hain mujhe tumhare haath ke bread roll. Bachchon !!! Brush karo jaldi aur breakfast khane aao.........Hai Ram. Isme na toh namak hai na mirch. Kya banaya hai tumne?"
Pati, "Tumhare liye namak kam. Mere liye mirch kam. Achar doon?"
"Mood bigaad diya savere savere. Aam ka nahin bewakoof, lal mirch ka achar do. Yeh hui na baat. Aaj Bai ke andhe baapu ko phone karo aur kaho apni beti ko phone karega aur kahega tum Muscat aanaa chahate ho. Uske ghar rehe sakoge kya?"
Pati, "Yeh kaun si nayi chaal hai?"
"Diwali ki chuttiyon mein Dubai chalte hain. Bai ne haan kiya toh tum akele ek hafte ke liye bai se milne Muscat chale jaanaa."
Pati, "Idea toh fantastic hai. Family holiday bhi. Saath mein meri alag special holiday. Waah. Bada naaz hai tumko mujhpe."
"Tum mujhko roz breakfast lunch dinner khilao, main tumhare liye chaand taare todne ke liye raazi hoon."
"Mummy humko Muscat nahin jaanaa."
"Beta hum Dubai ja rahe hain. Only daddy is going to Muscat on some official work beta. Dekho toh, bread roll kitne achche bane hain. Thank you bolo mujhe. Subeh subeh uthkar tumhare liye banaya hai. Daddy ne help kiya."
************************************************************
RING RING
Bai,"Ji Bapu. Kaise hain aap sab?"
Bapu,"Beta mujhe Muscat bilkul nahin pasand magar main ek hafte ke liye agar Muscat aayaa toh main tumhare ghar rehe sakta hoon kya?"
Bai,"Adjust kar lenge. Do baathroom hain. Magar aapko yadi Muscat bilkul pasand nahin toh aap mat aayeeye. Abhi main bahut busy hoon. College padh rahi hoon. Aapko sightseeing ke liye nahin le ja paaoongi. Entertainment aap ko khud sambhalna padega. Dubai, Cairo ghoomna chahenge toh aapko akele jaanaa hoga. Meri last semester chal rahi hai."
CLICK
Witch,"Kya hua."
"Muscat tumhe jaanaa ho toh tum jao."
"Bai ne mana kiya kya? Lagta hai woh samajh gayi. Badi chant hai."
***************************************************************
Witch,"Soch lo. Main akeli Dubai ja rahi hoon. Chalna ho toh chalo. Warna mai chali."
*****************************************************************
RING RING
Witch,"Haiiii. Mausam kaisa hai? Yahan bilkul mast hawa chal rahi hai. Sunset hai. Jaake meri photo dekho. Meri friend ne kaha main solah saal ki lag rahi hoon."
"Yeh kya. Beech bazaar mein late gayeen. Log kya sochte honge?"
"Hum bigde nawab hain. Jab mann kiya late gaye."
"Jahan jaati ho zameen pe, ya bistar pe late jaati ho. Aakhir problem kya hai? Baith ke baat karna nahin aataa tumhe?"
"Bachchon ne homework kiya?"
"Kar liya hoga."
"Jaake dekho warna tumhari tarah har cheez mein fail."
"Kabhi mat kehena mujhse yeh baat phir. Maine MBA kar rakhi hai woh bhi IIM s. Tum fail hoti aayee ho."
"hahahahahaha ... main school ki nahin, zindagi ki baat kar rahi hoon."
*****************************************************************
Witch,"Kya haal banaa rakhaa hai. Kuch lete kyon nahin?"
"Kya le loon? Neend ki kami hai."
"Dekhoon tumhari History. Zaroor computer pe do hafte bitaaye honge tumne.....hai Ram. Yeh kya hai?
"Yeh raha Bai ka kamra, yeh sheik ka office, yeh Bai ke bhai ka office, yeh Surekha ka bedroom, yeh uski beti ka study room, yeh tumhara dining table......aaaaaaa ......Itni jor se kyun maaraa?"
"Tabhi tum pooch rahe they maini do ke bajayee lunch mein teen roti kyun khaayee. Tabhi toh neend ki kami hai. Moorkh nahin Mahamoorkh ho. Muscat ke sunrise se London ke sunset tak computer taakte rehete ho. Tum paagal ho gaye ho. Aisa suna tha ek computer technician ke baare mein. Woh customer support mein kaam karta tha. Logon ki photo dekhte dekte baanwala ho gaya. Woh apne ghar ke sandaas mein tak camera laga chuka tha. Bewajeh apni family ko kosta reheta tha. Itna paani kyon flush kiya? Brush din mein 3 baar kyon kiya? Peeche dhoya theek se ki nahin? Ek din woh kulhadi leke apne beeton ko marne gaya. Biwi ko bhi. Usko phir uske doctor ne Kaanke bhej diya. Kahin tumhe wohi bimaari toh nahin lag gayee."
"Mujhe koi bimaari nahin hai. I am hale and hearty."
"Hale and heart ke bachche...jaake mera suitcase lekar aaoo. Main dekhoongi kitne hale and hearty ho."
"Kitni shopping ki tumne?"
"Tumse kam. Yeh Bai college kab se jaa rahi hai?"
"Dusvin ka board pass kiya hai abhi. Junior college mein hai."
"Dikhana."
"Yeh lo."
"Saali pass ho gayee."
"Sab tumhari tarah fail hote rehete hain kya?"
"KYA KAHA??? MUJHE TYPHOID HUA THA."
"Do baar?"
"Nahin ek baar."
"Tum 14 saal school mein theen jab log 12 varsh mein pass hokar nikal gaye."
"Toh kya hua? Ab dekho mujhe. Laakhon mein khelti hoon. Tum jaise log mere joote chaate hain.....mera matlab respect karte hain."
"Ho chuki respect. Yeh lo. Dinner khatam karo. Thodi si tarkaari aur logi?"
******************************************************************************
"Utho. Jawab do mujhe. Tumne Surekha se meri shikaayat ki. Us maamooli se do paise ki school teacher se MERI shikayat ki. School teacher ki koi aukaat hoti hai society mein jo tum aise neech logons se baat bhi karo? Agli baar Surekha ne meri khilli udai main maar daloongi tumko. Ek sari Bai bhool ke gayi. Uska kriya karm nahin karwaya toh mera naam nahin."
"Kya subeh subeh badbadaa rahi ho."
"hahahahahaha ... Gabbar se dar lagta hai tumhe. Abhi tumne darrna seekha hi kahan?"
**************************************************************************
RING RING
Witch,"Shuklaji. Ram Ram. Ek kaam tha aapse. Aap ko yaad hoga hamare yahan woh Bai thee."
"Jee usko kaun bhool paye hai? Poore sheher mein uske charche hain. Koi keheta hai woh Raamgargh ki raajkumari hai, koi keheta hai bundelkhand ki. Kya hua?"
"Woh problem ban rahi hai. Aap kuch karenge?"
"Maamla naazuk hai magar ho sakta hai."
"Baat pakki samajh loon."
"Jee haan, bilkul."
"Jai Ramji ki."
"Jai Ramji ki."
**********************************************************************
Witch,"Haan beta. Ek minute. Main computer pe hoon. Kya kehe raha hai doodhwala? ..... Usse kaho paise kal le jayega.....(dekho usko padh rahi hai. kya samajh rakha hai? MBA karlegi? Iski taange todoon main.) UTHO. Bai ke bapu se kaho uski koi certificate woh usko nahin bhejenge. College ja rahi hai. MBA karke woh hamari barabri karegi?? Ab dekho tamasha. Na college ki fees ke paise honge uske paas, na koi certificate, na koi ghar, na koi bachcha. Ro ro kar mar jayegi. Meri barabri karegi?"
RING RING
"Panditji. Woh school walon ne kaha certificate gum gayee. Character certificate hai. Woh aap bhej dein. Marksheet gum gayee."
Witch,"Ab dekho. Mil chuka usko admission. Last date Shanivar ko hai. hahahahahaha."
*********************************************************************
Bapuji,"Beta marksheet schoolwalon ne nahin diye. Board tumne pass kar liya? Kab?? Main toh sochta tha tum aathmi fail ho."
Bai," Ji woh pichle saal private exam diye the maine."
Bapuji,"Marksheet nahin mil rahi hai. School to daant ke chiththi likhi hai maine."
Bai,"Marksheet ki last date kal hai. Koi baat nahin. Fees ke bhi paise nahin hain. Ek saal drop karna padega. Kuch aur kar loongi."
Bapuji,"Beta kharch kam karo. Tum chup chaap India laut aao."
Bai,"Abhi abhi toh main yahan aayee hoon. Bachche khush hain. Useemein meri khushi hai. Kuch din baad mein aaoongee zaroor. Abhi paise nahin hain."
Bapuji,"Main immediately 5 ticket bhej raha hoon. Tum aaoo. Ek din ke liye aao. Magar aao zaroor. Betiyon ko naach sikhaa rahi ho naa. Nachwaoonga unse. Lekar aaoo. Bete ko chod ke aaoo."
Bai,"Ek din ke liye India koi nahin aataa."
Bapuji,"Tumhare liye ek flat kareeda maine 80 lakh ka, sheher se bahar."
Bai,"Kyon???? Fees ke paise nahin the aapke paas, 80 lakh ka flat khareeda???? Usko rent pe de deejiye."
Bapuji,"Woh flat tumhare istmaal ke liye hai. Rent pe dene ke liye thodi."
Bai,"Main late ho rahi hoon. Bye."
(Hey bhagwaan. Logon ke khud ke maa baap unko itna sataa sakte hain mujhko ye nehin maloom tha. Choti si fees nahin de sake. Kotha khareed liya 80 lakh ka. Aur behudi baat bachoon ko nachwaaoga-wali. Koi aisa keheta hai? Kaun aisa sochta hai. Lagta hai Bapuji khud kayee saal neelaam hue. Ab woh humko bhi neelaam hota dekhna chahate hain. Khurana Uncle ka beta unse milne gaya tha toh Baapuji ne phone karke kaha tha mujhse "tumhare friends mere ghar aaye toh laat padegi unko." Bapuji apne aap ko mera dushman samajhte hain. Kya hua? Jis din se unhone ek madam se shaadi karli, woh hum sab ko randi kehene lage, apni amma ko, apni behenon ko, mujhko, meri betiyon ko, meri saheliyon ko. Underworld ki connection is Noorkhan Bazaar wali madam se hamare ghar mein aayee hai. Aise Bapuji ka kya ilaaj?)
*******************************************************************
Witch ka pati,"Ab se tumhare liye chai bina cheenee ke banaaoonga. Aaaj thodisi kam dali. Dheere dheere tumko aadat ho jaayegi."
"SHUT UP. DIKHTA NAHIN MAIN HEADPHONE PEHENI HOON. AB REWIND KARNA PADEGA."
"Achcha baba. Garjo mat. Main pressure cooker chadhake nahane ja raha hoon."
"SHUT UP. Jab dekho mera kaam badhate rehete ho, phir se rewind. Ruko. Pehele Bai ko phone lagaao, kaho India aayegi. Ticket ke paise na hon toh main de doongi, magar kehena uske Baap ne bheja hai."
"Gyarah baje boss ne bulaya hai. Abhi tak pressure cooker ka kaam chaloo nahin kiya. Jane do mujhe."
"Boss ko bolna tire puncture hai. 12 baje pahunchoge. Bai ko lagaao phone. Iski tape banaa ke rahoongi. Kya samajh rakha hai, main jo kaam karne nikalti hoon, woh kaam zaroor hota hai."
"Nahiiiiin. Sab ko maaloom ho jaayegaa maine kya kiya."
"Useemein toh tumhari tareef hai. Tum ek international movie banaaoge. Log taajjub karenge yeh kaise hua. Aaj kal threesome ka bolbabala hai. Twosome purani ho chuki. Waqt aane par Bai se baat mein karloongi. Mujhe koi manaa nahin karta. Yeh Baba ki den hai. Jo main kahoon log fauran maan jaate hain. "
"Dekhta hoon ek baar aur poochkar."
RING RING
"Why don't you come to India?"
"No time, no money."
CLICK
Witch,"Sheik se kaho 4 ticket main bhej rahi hoon. Uske baap se bhi kehena."
"Tum mujhko marwaa daalogi. Main aisa kuch nahin karoonga."
"Chal baawarchi, tel daal kadahi mein, aur fry ho ja. Hahahahahahahahhehehehehehohoho"
**************************************************************************
Witch, "Aaj dekha computer pe Bai ne thumri gaayi subeh uthke. Phone karo usko. Kaho India aayegee. Bhale ek hi raat rahe, magar aayegee. Warna meri movie ka kya hoga? Aaj gajab ki picture deki, $4 on a lonely road. Woh tumhara dost hai na Azad, usse bhi baat karni padegi. Uska number dena."
"Maine usse baat nahin ki dus saalon mein. Tum phone karogi toh woh kya sochega?"
"Kuch nahin sochega. Uski bibi mar gayi."
"Kab."
"Saal hua. Cancer tha."
"Bichari. Badi nek aur bhali aurat thi."
"Cancer tha, kya karti, majbooran nek aur bhale hona padta hai mareezon ko."
"Mil gaya Azad ka number. Woh ghar par hai. Lagata hon phone."
"Tum aise bologe ki tumhe afsos hai, chutti pe hamare yahan aa jaao toh woh maan jayega. Bus Bai ki kami hai. Bulaao use bhi."
RING RING
"Azad, bada afsos hua khabar sunkar ...... haan ... haan.... theek.".
Witch,"Dekha. Maan gaya. Jaise jaise main kahoon, tum bolte raho. Raaj karoge. Ab Bai ko karo."
"Uski ek saheli hai jisko woh bahut maanti hai. Kahoonga mandir ki sair karne India chalo. Woh daudi daudi chali aayegi."
"Brahman ki beti hai. Aa jayegi. Teesri line meri. Sunoo main bhi yeh Rashi ki aawaaz."
RING RING
"Hello, main Rashi. India aaonaa. Teerth pe chalte hai.
"No time, no money."
CLICK
Witch,"Suna maine teesri line pe. Dekho aise kaam nahin banega. Uska baap uspe pressure daalega tab woh maanegi. Baap se kaho daante use. Daraae use. Tab woh maanegi. Emotional atyachaar ka waqt aa raha hai. Kaho kaisi beti ho? Birthday pe kabhi wish nahi karti ho. Main kyon tumko apni aulaad maan loon. Beti bihaakar paraayee ho jaati hai. Aur phone rakho dhad se. Tattee niklegi sunkar woh India daudi daudi chale aayegi."
RING RING
Witch,"Babaji, kuch kareeye. Aapke kaam mein der ho rahi hai. Kuch kariye."
Babaji,"Beta mera aashirwaad hamesha tumhare saath hai. Is varsh Ramleela ka paath karna. Safalta praapt hogi."
CLICK
Witch,"Suno, tumko teer maarna aata hai?"
"Kya?"
"Babaji ne kaha hai humko Ramleela karnese safalta praapt hogi. Tum Ram main Sita, Azad Laxman."
"Aur Bai."
"Woh aur uski betiyaan naachengee. hahahahahaha. Log paise phekenge. hahahahaha. Kabhi dekhi hai kisine nachti hui NRI bai? Uske phate baap ki bhi yehi ichcaa hai. Usko bhi bula lo humaari team mein. Uski biwi ko phone karoon."
RING RING
Witch,"Hello, ji Ram Ram. Woh aapki beti badi sir chadhi hai. Kuch kariye. Main bhi yahan se pressure lagaaoon. Aap wahan se. Khudkhushi kar legi. Bachche aap ke hue."
CLICK
Pati,"Yeh kaisi baat kar rahi ho.
"Chadd yaar. Tum doodh peete bachche ho. Ruko. Zaroori baat bhool gayee."
RING RING
Witch,"Ji Auntyji. Sheik se aap ki achchi dosti hai. Usse kehena hamare yahan dawat hai. Zaroor aaye."
"Zaroor beta. Khush raho. Jai Ramji ki."
CLICK
Witch,"Chikne ne pass saath hazaar dollar hain bank mein. Kuch toh dega mujhe. Uska tape dekhoongi gaurse. Kuch na kuch galath kaam sabhee karte hain. Pakad loongi. Sandhya ne kaha tha woh golmal karta reheta hai."
"Sandhya ki baat purani ho chuki."
"Aadmi nahin badalte. Chor hamesha chori karte hain, kayar hamesha kayar hote hain, akalmand hamesha raaj karte hain, baiyan hamesha shaheed hoti hain. Tumhari amma ko dekhlo. Saari zindagi woh shaheed hui hain. Kya kar liya unhone shaheed hokar."
"Humko itna pyar diya, hum usi pyar ke sahaare ab tak jee rahe hain. Tum jaisi laakh dayanein martee hain tab ek ma unke jaisi janam leti hai. "
"hahahahahahahaha ... gareebee ka asar ab bhi tumhare dimaagh par itna hai, tum kuch nahin samajhte. Log thookte hain tumhare oopar tumhari amma par. Woh toh main hoon jo tumhari izzat bachaati reheti hoon. Dekho subeh Seth Bhawandarlal mujhse milne aaye the. Socho itne bade log mujhse milne mere ghar aate hain. Tumse milne ek Bai tak nahin aatee. Dekh li tumne apni asliyat. Tumko koi nahin jaanta. Mera naam lo sheher mein sau diye jal uthen. Seth ki file tumhare table par hai. Sign kairo jaake aur file Tomar ko dena."
"Woh tum kehe raheen thi Sheik chikna hai."
"Dekho usko, Rahul Gandhi jaisa hai. Kitna ameer lagta hai.Suna hai India mein bhi ghar hai uska."
"Tumko Rahul Gandhi per crush haina. Isiliye Sheik ko pasand kartee ho."
"Bai Sheik to itna pyaar karne lagi hai. Sab chod chaad ke useeke paas hai. Koi toh jadoo hoga usme. Uski jaadoo ki chadi main bhi toh tatooln, dekhoon kya hai usme. hahahahahah. Waise suna hai Sheik ne apni peheli bibi ko maar daala tha. Bachchon ko bhi. Dekhna Bai aur uske bachche bhi kuch hi din ke mehemaan hain. Mil aao unke marne se pehele ek baar."
"Kya bakti reheti ho?Soch ke baat kiya karo."
"Yaar tum innocent ho. Nahin samjhoge. A man never changes. Once a murderer always a murderer. hahahahaha. Bai ke din bahut kam hain. Ek taraf uski sauteli amma aur andhe bapu, ek taraf Sheik. Aur zara sa mental tension aur daalo us par, khudhushi kar legi. Bai ki Ruma chachi ne bhi aisa hi kiya tha. Taang liya usne apne aap ko. Bai ke Amok phuphaaji ne bhi. Roz tang karna jaanti hai uski amma. Dekho kya kya karti reheti hai apne ghar mein. Uske bapu ko joote chappal se bhi maara usne sab ke saamne. Ab woh aadmi din bhar peeta reheta hai. Woh bhi toh ek kism ki khudkhushi hai. Kehete hain uske chote bhai ko bhi isi ne mara tha. Gaur se dekho tape aur suno gaur se. Sab pata lag jayega. Woh Bai ko zinda nahin chodegi. Sheik se already khub dosti kar rahi hai. Bai jayegi kahan bachke? Ya hamare paas ya swarg. Phone karo usko, yaad dilaao uske koi dost nahi hain. Ya woh hamare paas athi hai ya uska anth nishchit hai. Bolo usko. Dekho daudi daudi chali aayegi. Pata toh sabko hai hamesha jeet murderer ki hi hoti hai. Woh murkh todi hai. Woh bhi is baat ko achche se jaanti hai. Useeke ghar mein dekhlo. Sare murderer ki tamaam izzat. Sare bechaaron ke pichwade mein danda. Chaaho toh tum bhi shaamil ho jaao bichaaron mein. Is duniya mein jeene ke liye kalejaa mere jaisa chaahiyee." ***************************************************************************
RING RING
Witch,"Ji Shuklaji. Aapko yaad kiya humne aapne phone kiya humko. Badi lambi umr hai aapki. Yeh leejiye ek phone number. Uski amma ka hai .... haan woh meri friend hai ... aapko ata pata bataaegi. Kaam aur aasaan ho jayega. Sheik ko bhi nyota diya hai .... hahahahaha .... scene pe woh bhi hoga ..... range haath... hahahaha"
"Yeh Shukla kaun hai?"
"Tera baap. Yaar Eid pe bakre katthe hain sher hain."
"Saanp bhi nahin. Main yeh saari baatein Bai ko bataa doonga. Naachti rehena tum."
"hahahahaha...Bai se baat tak karne ki himmat nahin hai...tumme....Bai ko bataaoge.....usse phele woh jaan se haath dho chuki hogi......hahahahaha
Naadaanon ki duniya kitni suneheri hoti hai. Sapne sajaate rehete hain din raat. haha .... hahahahah....haha
****************************************************************************
Witch,"Aye Nautanki. Tum Ram ho Shivji nahin. Yaad rakho nahin to Ramleela fail."
"Tum Sita, main Ram."
"Correct my boy."
"Ravan kaun?"
"Arvind ya Sheik, ya dono."
"ok."
"Aaj kal ke zamaane mein threesome ka bolbala hai. Twosome purani hui."
"Yeh aayaa Ravan tumko lene. Bye guys. Have fun. Don't be back soon."
(Ufff baat karte karte galaa sookh gaya)
******************************
Witch,"Finally Sunday. Funday."
"Funday tumhara hamesha reheta hai. Sunday ho ya Monday. Daaru nahau, maalish karaao. Ramu bahut din se gayab hai. Tum theek toh ho na?"
"Ramu gaya toh kya hua? Maalish karne waale aur bhi hain is sheher mein.....ha hahaha...muah .....mere pyare bachche .... is ghar mein bachchon ki kami kabhi nahin mehesoon hogi. Tum jo ho."
"Yaad aayaa bachpan. Meri photo dekho, 10th ki. Morarji Desai hamare school aaye they. Mujhe dher saari prize mili thee. Achchee hai na photo."
"Hmmm... ek photo mein do chuutiye.... kam dekhne ko milti hai aisi photo."
"Aise mat kaho. Woh pradhaan mantri they. Yeh dekho interschool cricket match ki shield."
"Paise kitne mile?"
"In cheezon ke paise nahin milte."
"Tum bachpan se chutiye ho?"
"Shut up."
"Lala Amarnath ka ghar dekha. Kya roaab hai, kya style. Bade logon ki baat hi aur hoti hai."
"Yeh dekho Bai ke parnana ki photo. Gandhji ke aandolan mein woh bhi shaamil they. "
"Ek hi photo mein do gaandu? hahahaha .... kamal ki album hai...aur kuch?"
"Tumhare mann mein kisi ke liye shradhdhaa nahin hai.Thakur Rabindranathji ki bhi photo hai . Jao nahin dikhaataa. Tum phir kuch bakogi."
"Phate haal logon ki photo mein kya rakha? Mat dikhaao. Meri photo dekhi? College wali. Ek ladke ne 100 ki note dekar khareedi thi. Itne charche hue, itne chache hue. Yahan se Dilli tak."
***************************************************************
Bachche,"Mummy, Shankar aur Ramu dono laut aaye. Ab ghar ghar jaisa lagne laga. Dono nahin they toh achchaa nahin lagta thaa."
Witch,"Kyon?"
Bachche,"Pata nahin. Bus yoonhi."
Witch ka pati,"Ah Shankar. Meri almaari theek karna tum. Koi cheez nahin mil rahi hai."
Shankar,"Jee sahab."
Witch,"Ramu, aaj kadhi aur chawal aur aaloo ka chokha banaanaa."
Ramu,"Jee."
thodi der baad ....
Shankar, Ramu se,"Achchaa hua hum dono aa gaye. Sahab beemaar lagne lage hain."
Ramu,"Haan dekha. Unka ghar, unki naukri, dono ki bahut pyar se dekhbhaal karte hain. Thak gaye honge hum dono ka kaam karte karte."
Shankar,"Hum do log hain phir bhi thak jaate hain. Sahab bhi kamaal hain. Itna saaraa kaam akele kar lete hain."
*******************************************************************
Summer, now.
Witch ka pati,"Yeh CDs kya kar rahi hain almaari mein?"
Witch,"Yeh recordings hain. Kahin na kahin bech loongi. Kuch badi interesting hain. Tumne toh dekhi hi hongi."
"Paagal ho gayi ho? Tum paagal ho gayee ho. Yehi baat hamare bachchon se saath bhi ho sakti hain. Samjhi. Kiseene case kiya toh tum kya karogee? "
"Main wapas unpe case kar loongi. Sab ki information mere paas hai."
"Digital fingerprint samajhti ho? Haar jaogi."
"Kaunsa judge hai jo bikta nahi? Kaunsa lab hai jo bikta niahin. Daroga mere jeb mein hai. MLA bhi. Darr kiska?"
"Tumhara paagalpan hadd paar kar chuka hai. Kuch karna padega. Tum kisi bade doctor se ilaaj karwaao."
"Mujhe koi bimaari nahin hai."
"Saaf dikh raha hai. Tum bilkul paagal ho gayee ho."
*******************************************************************
Witch,"Dekh, Bai ne Alka se baat ki."
Husband,"Gujarati Alka ya Bangali?"
Witch,"Bangali. Dekhoon main kya baat hui."
Recording replay hui.
**********************************************************
Witch,"Us Bai ke baap se kaho mere Dubai ke trip ke paise woh dega. Kya samajh rakha hai? Bai promise ki thee usne. Bai nahin aayee. Mujhe paise wapis laakar do."
Husband," Ruko abhi."
Witch,"Main rukne waalon meise nahin hoon. Paise lautaao nahin toh phir dekho kya hota hai. Dubai main tumhare khaatir gayee thi."
"Kyon gayee thee? Bai ne manaa kiya thaa. Maine manaa kiyaa tha. Tum kyon gayee?"
"Jo main kehetee hoon karke dikhaatee hoon. Underworld ka sabse pehela wasool hotha hai ye. Tum jaise moorkhon ke bas ki baat nahin hai. Phone karo uske baap ko, bolo paise degaa."
"Main MBA se don kab hua????"
"hahahahahaha...Tum? Don???? hahahaha. ek naukrani nahin pataanee aayee....Don ..... Naukrani main rakhti hoon, usse baat main kartee hoon, padosiyon ke sawaalon ko main jhelti hoon, naukraani ka disposal main karti hoon, paison ka len den main sambhaalti hoon ... tum don ? .... (muah) tum mere sabse aziz prostitute ho. Dekho yeh bangla bageecha, ye Maruti, yeh zewar, sab tumko bechke khareeda hai maine. Tabhee toh itna naaz hai mujhko tum par... dekho yaar don woh hote hain jo apne bachchon tak ko karke bech dete hain. Sher hote hain sher, sheik jaise, chikne, ameer, diler. Tum bakri ho apni ma ki tarah .... baaaaaaaa .......hahahaha ... Eid aa rahi hai. Karoon phone maulvi ko???.....hahahaha .....tabhi toh Bai Sheik ki ho gayee.... deewanee ho gayee hai uski ..... auratein sheron ko chahatee hain, bakron ko nahin .... "
*****************************************************************************
Witch ne farmaya,"Yeh naukrani badi chant lagti hai. Roz shaam hamare sath stool pe baithke CSI dekhti hai. Kal usko dekha "Karamchand" dekh rahi thi. Iska koi plan to nahi hai? Angrezi samajh leti hai."
Witch ke husband ne kaha,"Hanh aathmi pass hai. Brahman hai. Uski ma bhi padhi likhi thi, uski nani bhi padhi likhi thi, uski dadi bhi padi likhi thi. Purane zamane ke padhe likhe logon ki baat hi aur thi. Tabhi to yeh itni cultured lagti hai. Uthne baithne ka dhang hai. Bade ghar ki betiyon samaan hai. Stool pe baithi thi toh kya hua. Pet se hai. Usko sofe pe bithati tum. Lekin tumme insaaniyat ki kami hai."
Utne mein rum ki bottle husband ke sir pe phooti.
Sonali Deuskar Gurpur
Witch,"Dekha, kya kiya aaj naukrani ne?"
Witch ka pati," Haan, dekha, computer pe."
Witch,"Kya dekha? Kuch samjhe?"
Pati,"Kya samjhoon?"
Witch,"Arre waah!!! Tumse zyaadaa moorkh insaan is poore duniya mein nahin hai. Knitting ke needle aur crochet ki needle kharid ke laayi hai magar uun nahin."
Pati,"Khareed legi. Shayad paise nahin honge."
Witch,"Mujhe to lagta hai uska koi plan hai. Brahmanon pe vishwas nahin karte. Jab koi marta hai tab woh humse paise lete hain, jab koi janam leta hai tab woh humse paise lete hain. Woh brahman hai na. Zaroor uski aur uske bachchon ki kundaliyan hongi. Mujhe laake doge?"
Pati,"Kahan se lakar doon?"
Witch,"Jaao uske kamre mein. Dhoondo."
Pati,"Tum dhoondho jaake."
Witch,"Log kya kahenge?"
Pati,"Kaun se log?"
Witch,"Naukar log. Hamare naukar Pathak ke naukar se kehege. Woh jaakar Baagadiya ke naukar se kahenge, Bagadiya ki naukrani Sampath ki biwi ko saaari kabar deti hai. Sampath ki biwi meri classmate hai."
Pati,"Tum aur tumhare classmate. Main dekhoonga agli baar."
Witch,"Gadhe ki poonch se kabhi kuch maang ke dekha hai?"
**********
Witch,"Chaar din ho chuke. Naukrani yaad nahin aayee. Viagra dilwaaoon kya?"
Pati,"Kya har choti choti baat pe tokti reheti ho. Band karo bakwaas."
Witch,"Tum jaise aalsi bandar pe kaun bharosa karta hai. Maine apne mamaji se kaha mujhe le chalo, aur unke saath government hospital jaa kar naukrani aur uske bachchon ki birth certificate nikaal li maine aur kundali bhi banwa li. Pandit maharaj ne kaha hai, uski kundali mein khot hai. Nikah mut kar lena. Woh hum sabko maar daalegi. Meri kundali mein pata nahin kya khot hai jo tum jaise aalsi bandar ki madari hoon main?
RING RING
Pati,"Chup raho do minute. CEO sahab ka phone hai."
Witch," Kya kaha CEO sahab ne?"
Pati,"Kal subeh jaldi bulaya hai. Kuch zaroori kam hai."
Witch,"Yeh CEO ko kya jane kya ho gaya hai. Jab tab tumko bula lete hain. Company mein dus aur log bhi toh hain."
Pati,"Sensitive mamla hai. Har koi ko bataya nahin ja sakta hai. Isliye."
Witch,"Hrrrmmmphhh bhav kha rahe ho bade, Tankha toh utni ki utni de raha hai. Kaam nikalwa raha hai tumse. Tum itne moork ho tum nahin samajh paaoge."
Pati,"Picture dekhni hai? Tarzan lagi hai."
*************
Witch ka pati,"Maulviji se kehena program cancel agle mahine ka. Paise yun bhi mil sakte hain. Maulviji ki ab zaroorat nahin.
Witch,"Sach??Bataao kaise."
Pati,"Intazaam ho chuka memsahib. Uske gharwaale usko bechne ko tayaar hain. Udhar kareeddar tayaar hain. Poore paise nahin milenge. Logon ka muh band karwane ke liye kuch toh baksheesh deni padegi. Ek navratan ka set aur ek diamond ka haar tumhara. Khush?"
Witch,"Janaab, hum jhooti tassalli se khush nahin hote. Dum hai toh kar ke dikhaaoo."
Pati,"Tum mein dum hai toh tum karke dikhaao."
Witch,"Ghaziabad se 80 kilometer door ek jagah hai. Mujhko le chalo. Mein ek ek kaam karwa ke dikhaaoon. Sab seekh liya meine bus ek gadi chalani nahi aayee warna poori duniya mere kaboo mein hothi."
Pati,"Done."
Witch,"Done. Hamare yahan kehete hain jab bachcha rota hai, maa ke aankh mein paani aur aanchal mein doodh bhar aatha hai. Doodh bada mehenga hai in dinon. Hahahahahahahaha"
***************
Witch, ishare se, "Bandh karo phone."
Pati, phone band karte hue, bina baat poori kiye,"Kyon?"
Witch,"Uske baap se baat mat karo. Tumhaari tarah woh bhi satheeyaa gaya hai. Laao phone mujhe do. Main uski amma ka number milaaoon. Woh hai asli kaartoos."
♫ Kya hai moble number? Kya karoon dial number? ♫ Number dial hua.
Witch,"Haan ji hello ji. Ji aap kaisi hain? Aaj mangalwaar hai, aap ka bhi vrat hoga. Main zyada waqt nahin loongi.
... Aap ki beti ki dekh bhaal bilkul first class ho rahi hai. Chinta ki koi baat nahi. Main hoon na.
... Ji woh paise. Humare paas itne nahin na hain. Aisa kyun nahin karte, hum dono uski sewa karenege, 6 mahine woh aapke paas rahegi, 6 mahine humare paas. Jab bojh aadhaa hua, daam bhi aadhaa kar lete hain. Aap samjhdaar hain, samjh gayee hongi. Beti aapki, naati aapka.
... Phone karna zaroor. Main aapke phone ki wait karoongi. Ji pranam. Jai ramji ki. Phone dena uncleji ko. Pranam kar loon. "
... "Namashkar Uncleji. Pailaagoon panditji. Aaap yaad katre hain na mujhko. Mere mummy daddy bhi aapko bade pyar se yaad karte hain. aapki beti meri behen hai. Woh yahan raaj karegi. Aap koi sankoch na karen. Ji namaskaar ji. Jai ramji ki."
Click.
Pati,"Kya kaha unhone?"
Witch,"Sathiyaya sa buddha hai tumhari tarah. Maan gaya. Paison ke maamlon mein tum dakhal mat dena. Tumko paise sambhaalne nahin aate. Kabhi paise dekhe kahan hain tumne jo tum seekh sako. Mujhe dekho, main hazaron mein khelti thi. Tabhi toh paise jodne mujhe aate hain. Tum kabhi nahin seekh paaoge."
Pati,"Aaj mausam bada suhana hai. Ghaziabad chalen?"
Witch,"Arre moorkh. Pandit Maharaj se pooche bina Ghaziabad chal diye??? Tum bhi naa...doodh peete bachchon se bhi zyaadaaa naadaan ho."
Pati,"Zaraa sa sar dard hai. Kuch mat kehena mujhse."
Witch,"Brandy piyo. Pehele paani ubaalo, phir ek patiala peg banaalo. Ek mere liye bhi."
Pati,"Pee letaa magar office ke kaam pade hain. Aye Shankar, bai se kehena ek cup adrak ki chai aur ek ajwain ka paratha banaegi mere liye."
Shankar naukar,"Ji sahab."
Witch, "Aye Ramu. Idhar aa. Mere pair kaun dabayega?"
Ramu naukar,"Ji aap ne kaha tha gamle mein paani dene ke liye. Pipe se paani de raha tha."
Witch,"Chal aajaa, haath ponch le."
Pati,"Shankar, mar gaya kya?"
Shankar naukar,"Ji sir, woh bai nahin mil rahi hai. Uska kamra khaali hai. Sandook bhi gayab hai."
Pati,"Kahan gayi, dhoondho use."
Witch,"Arre chodo yaar. Randiyon ke beton ke baapon ke naam nahin na hote. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hehehehehehe hohohoho."
MORAL OF THE STORY SO FAR
Bua ne kaha tha na, jis din game khatam, us din naukrani gayab.
******************************
Witch,"Kya dhoop mein lete lete gungunaa rahe ho 'main na bhooloongee, main na bhooloong'? Gaane ka shauk kab se laga liya?"
Pati,"Kuch toh karna padega. Woh akeli itni saari majbooriyon ke saath, aur uske andhe baapu aur uski saunteli maa...kuch toh karna padega."
Witch,"Kyon, woh tumhara dost hai na Rajan, woh Alabama ka padha hua. Uski shaadi ab bhi nahi hui. Phir Seth Dhuaandhaar hain. Unse keheke dekhti hoon Woh bilkul unke type ki hai. 3 toh kya 4 crore dene ko tayaar ho jaayenge. Aur humko dene ke bajaaye lene padenge. hahahahah Hai na idea?!! Haath milaao."
Pati,"Ek woh subedaar bhi hai. Usse pooch ke dekhte hain."
Witch,"Woh gareeb. Chodo usko. Dhuaandhaar ka private number hai mere paas. Ro kyon rahe ho? Tumhari amma ka shraadh hai kya? ...(RING RING) ... Hellooo Seth Sahib. Kya haal chaal hain? Aapka Amsterdam ka trip kaisa raha...Ji, shaam ko milte hain, phir baatein hongi. Theek hai, kuch der mein. Aaap abhi gaddi per hain? ...Ok hum phir woh Grand Road wale ghar panhuchte hain. See you. (CLICK) Chalo utho muh haath dho theek se. Tumko bade logon ke beech uthna baithna na aya, theek se muh haath bhi dhona nahin aya. Saaf kameez peheno ja ke nahin toh unke naukar lagoge. Tum mat peena."
Pati,"Kyon?"
Witch,"Gaadi kaun chalaaega. Driver ko le ke koi aisi jageh thodehi na jaataa hai. Yeh kaam toh dabe paanv hote hain. Dekho, aur seekho kuch. Main mar gayee toh tum kya karoge? Tumko mere bina kuch nahin karna aata hai. Aisa lagta hai jaise tumhe godh le liya ho. Chalo utho. Muh dho."
*************************
Pati,"Dekha, kaha tha na maine. Seth nahin maanegaa. Itna bada vyaapaar hai, aise paagal risk aise log nahin lete hain. Woh dimaag se kaam lete hain.
Witch,"Tum dimaag ki baat mat karo. Dimaag hain tumhare paas? Main jo kaam karne nikalti hoon woh kaam poora hota hai. Tum jo kaam karne nikalte ho woh mittee mein mil jaataa hai. Woh tumhaari amma par jo shraap hai, uske kaaran. Main na hoti to tum dekhte tumhaari zindagi barbaad hoti. Tum jo bhi ho woh mere karan ho. Ek ek taraqqi mere karan hui hai. Ghar tumhara mere kaaran bana hai. Warna tum kisi guest house mein rehete. Yeh jo meri nau ungaliyon mein charkra hain, yeh sab tumhare kaam aaye hain. Apni kundali padhwaayee kabhi? Jamaadaar rehete tum, agar main na hoti toh. Meri duson ungaliyon mein chakr hote toh Rahul Gandhi se meri shaadi hoti. Ek kum tha toh tum mile. Seth ne manaa kiya toh kya hua. "
**************************************
(RING RING)
Witch,"Sonali yeh, kya. Sab Facebook par likh diya?"
Me,"Ek ya do baatein tumhaari hain baaki sab fiction. Koi nahin samajh payega. Tum chinta naa karo."
Witch,"Kya hai bataaoon. Tumhari galati nahin hai yeh. Tumhaari mummy ne tumko theek se training nahin na di. Yeh ghar ghar ki kahaani hai. Mere dono bhaaeeyon ke ghar bhi aisa he arrangement hai, meri mummy ne bhi aisa hi kiyaa thaa, meri daadi ne bhi, meri naani ne bhi. Chalo, tum bhi fataafat samjho aur seekho."
Me,"Bachchon ko bahar le jaane ka plan tha. Hum late ho rahe hain. Bye."
MORAL OF THE STORY SO FAR:
Sirf padhne likhne se kuch nahin hota.
**********************************************
A Year Ago
Witch,"Kaha na tumse, tum chup chaap baithe raho. Main jo kaam karne nikalti hoon woh kaam poora hota hai. Tum jo kaam karne nikalte ho woh mittee mein mil jaataa hai."
***********************************************
Witch,"Boss se kaho tumhari nani mar gayee. Chalo Ghaziabad."
Pati,"Teen teen zaroori meeting hain aaj. Kam chaupat ho jayegaa."
Witch,"Chalte ho ya main lagaaoon phone Surekha ko?"
Pati,"Chalo baba. Ek minute ki fursat nahin milti hai. Chalo."
Witch,"Bachchon, humein zaroori kaam se bahar jana hai. Daddy ke office se phone aayaa toh kehena family mein death hui hai."
Pati,"Chalo."
Witch,"Bye kids. (muah) Mummy loves you....Ghuso gaadi mein. Chaar baje se pehele panhunchna hai. Pandit Maharaj ne kaha hai."
Pati,"Kyon, aisi kya jaldi hai ."
Witch,"Chalo pehele."
************
Witch,"Yeh, idhar se gaadi modo."
Pati,"Yeh toh jungle hai."
Witch,"Haan, toh hai. Apna kaam karwana hai ki nahin?"
Pati,"Tum unse baat karo."
Witch,"Maine tumko baat karne ke liye bulaayaa yanhan? Tum baitho chup chaap. Maine phone pe Babaji se salah le li hai. Bus 10 minute ka kaam hai. Apna ek baal dena."
Pati,"Naak ka doon kya? hahahaha"
Witch,"Doge ya ukhaadloon?"
Pati,"Yeh lo."
Witch,"Wait here."
Pati,"Sure."
******************************
Witch,"Pranaam Babaji. Sab kuch hai mere paas. Yeh kaam shuru keejeeye."
************************************
Witch,"Kya alsaa rahe ho. Chalo ghar."
Pati,"Kya baat hui?"
Witch,"Aage aage dekho hotaa hai kya....naukrani lautke humare ghar aa jayegi."
Pati,"Phir wohi naatak. Tumko naatak karne hon toh tum yaheen raho."
Witch,"Aaj kuch special ho jai. Delhi chalein?"
Pati,"Delhi, yes, Delhi."
******************************************
MORAL OF THE STORY SO FAR :
A leopard can't change it's spots.
Nor can the deer.
********************************************************
Witch,"Ab Dilli door nahin."
Pati,"Chicken kabab aur ek thandi beer."
Witch,"Celebration time."
********************************************************
Witch,"Dilli ke raaste thumhe pata nahin. Tum yahan ruko. Mein aati hoon."
Pati,"Main kya karoon?"
Witch,"Jaaoo, koi film dekh aao."
Pati,"Sholay lagi hai. Dekh loonga."
Witch,"Bye."
Ek patli si gali mein witch jadi jadi lambi kadmon se aage badthe hue ek darwaze per ruki aur khatkhatake andar gayi. 5 ghante baad nikli.
********************************************************************
Pati,"Sholay khatam ek ghanta hua. Itni der kya kar raheen theen?"
Witch," Time ginna nahin aathaa tumhe? Quality ka kaam chahiye toh waqt lagta hai."
Pati,"Chalo jaldi. CEO ne subeh jaldi bulaya hai. Do din kaam ruk gaya. Bahut kaam hoga."
Witch,"CEO ko bada prem hai tumse. Paise itne kum kyon deta hai ? Tum faltu ke moorkh ban rahe ho."
Pati,"Jinse kaam hota hai unse kaam liya jaataa hai."
************************************************************************
Witch,"5 mahene ho gaye naukarani nahin lauti.Ttumne tumhara hi baal diya tha ya kisi aur ka?"
Pati,"Kaun se baal?"
Witch,"Us din, Ghaziabad ke paas."
Pati," Tumhare saamne hi toh diya tha."
Witch,"Phir woh bandhi kyon nahin? Babaji ne dhokha diya kya? Shaayad unko aur paise chaahiye honge. Chalo phir se Ghaziabad."
Pati,"Shaayad tumko pata nahin hoga kayee saadhu santh rehete hain yahaan bhi. Woh sab jaante hain tumne kya kiyaa. Kayee logon ne mujhse kaha hain tumne kya kya kiya. Ab bus."
Witch,"Sab bakwaas hai. Maine kuch nahin kiya. Maine sirf tumhaari taraqqi ke liye pooja karti hoon."
Pati,"Haan, woh toh theek hai. Magar jin logon ke uupar, yaani bachchon ke uupar jo tumne kiya woh galath tha. Kisike bachchon ko sataate nahin."
Witch,"Baandhne ka koi aur tareeqa nahin hai. Bachche baandhne aasaan hote hain."
Pati,"Unki kundaliyan pheko. Unke photo do waapas. Babaji se kaho unko nahin baandhe. Bachchon ke saath aisa nahin karte."
Witch,"Kyon?"
Pati,"Aisa kisi ke saath nahin karte."
Witch,"Nikaalo paise. Main taxi karke jaaoon Babaji ke paas. Tum dekhte raho aage aage hota hai kya."
*****************************************************************
Witch,"Kya computer pe din bhar tik tik tik tik karte rehete ho?
Laao, do mujhe.
Aaj se computer band."
Computer under lock and key hui.
****************************************************************
Witch,"Aankhein bigad jaayengii. Phone do. Kisi ka phone aya toh main de doongi."
Phone memsahib ke pocket mein gaya.
"Dekho aise udaas nahin hote. Tumse kya lena dena in aafaton ka? Chalo aaj Agra ki sair karke aate hain. Taj Mahal kitna sundar lagta hai is mausam mein. Chalo. Utho. Aaj main gaadi chalaaoongi. Tum dekhte rahiyo."
****************************************************************
Witch,"Mrs. Sampat, aaeeye, aaeeye. Aaj kaise yaad kiya?"
Mrs Sampat,"Yeh Mrs. Sampat kab se ho gayee main?? Tumne hamesha mujhko Gita kehkar bulaayaa hai."
Witch,( ghabraate hue) ,"Haan yaar, woh toh mazaak mein kaha tha."
Mrs. Sampat,"Bura na manana. Jaldi mein hoon. Woh tumhari Bai nahin dikhti hai in dinon. Koi aur naukri dhoondhli usne?"
Witch,"Hanh, woh doosre gaanw chali gayee."
Mrs. Sampat,"Uska pata ho toh dena."
Witch,"Pata nahin kahan gayee woh."
Mrs. Sampat,"Pata lage toh zaroor batana. Hum bhi ek bai dhoondh rahe hain."
Witch,"Zaroor."
Mrs Sampat,"Thanks. Main chaloon."
************************************************************************
Witch,"Sampat ki biwi Gita yahan khud chal ke aayee thi aaj bai ke baare mein poochne. Kuch pata laga kahan hai woh? Uski amma ko bhi nahin pata."
Pati,"Hanh woh Dubai chali gayee. Uske bete ko ek sheik ne godh le liya."
Witch,"Dekha. Kaha tha na. Tum musalmaan banke usse nikah karlo. Tum nahin maane. Tumhara beta musalmaan hi hoga. Mera andaazaa kabhi galat nahin jaataa. Teen teen baba logon ne kaha tha yeh magar tumme itni samajh kahan hai? Ab woh agar al-qaida ki training le kar aaegaa toh tum kya karoge??
********************************************************************
Shivraatri ke din
Witch,"SUCCESS!!! Naukrani aaj India aa rahi hai !!! Hahaha ...dekha babaji ka kamaal. Dhamaal hoga dhamaal is sheher mein. Aaj tak kisine NRI bai nahin dekhi hai. Tumhari umr ho gayi hai. CEO ne promote nahin kiya toh phir bus char din ki chaandni phir andheri raat. Koi tumhari shakl bhi nahin pehechaanega. Phataphat society mein apni jageh banaa lo. Bai ko kamsekam ek raat humare yahan rukne ko kaho. Aur haan, kehena duty free se 2 Chivas Regal le kar aayegi. Shivraatri ke din Shiva's Regal ho jaye. Ab woh bhi maalkin hai. Muscat mein ghar, dubai mein ghar. Log boojh nahin payenge yeh hamare haath aayee kaise."
Pati,"Bai aakar chali bhi gayee. Tumhari information purani hai."
"Tumne dekha usko?"
Pati,"Computer pe."
"Woh toh Muscat ho ya Dubai ya yahan. Koi fark nahin padtha. Waise kehete hain ke Muscat ke raaste America ke raaston se bhi jyada achche hain."
Pati,"Raaston se kya lena dena?"
"Bus ek baat kahe rahi hoon. Raste me dhachke khaate khaate yehi soch rahi thi. Bai ab dhachke nahin kaati hai. Kismat wali hai. Mujhe dekho, saari zindagi raston mein dhachke khaayen hain maine."
Pati,"Tum too much raston mein ghoomti phirti ho."
"Baaaa tum ab bhi gareebon samaan batein karte ho. Mujhe bachpan se aadath hai roz ghoomne phirne ki. Kaun ghar mein bore baitha reheta hai? Sirf gareeb log."
Pati, "Shankar.....aye Shankar."
"Shankar naukar aaj beemaar hai."
Pati,"Ramu se kaho chai banayega."
"Kaunsa Ramu?"
Pati,"Kya matlab?"
"Ramu gaya gaon."
Pati,"Chai tum se nahin banegi. Main bana loon."
"Haan yaar. Teri jageh chulhe ke peeche. Bai ab gayee. CEO ko pataana padega. Babaji se pooch loon kya karna hai. Tum kitni der se chai bana rahe ho banti hi nahi. Tumko chai tak teek se banana nahin aataa. Kya gajab type insaan ho. Tumko kuch bhi nahin aataa."
************************************************************************
Witch,"Utho, subeh ho gayi. Chai kaun banayega."
Pati, "Raat der tak phone pe tha. Suna hoga tumne. Sone do mujhe. Sar dard hai."
"Utho chai piyo. Sar dard bhaag jayega."
kuch der baad .......
Pati, "Yeh lo. Chai aur bread roll."
"Arre wah. Yaad hain mujhe tumhare haath ke bread roll. Bachchon !!! Brush karo jaldi aur breakfast khane aao.........Hai Ram. Isme na toh namak hai na mirch. Kya banaya hai tumne?"
Pati, "Tumhare liye namak kam. Mere liye mirch kam. Achar doon?"
"Mood bigaad diya savere savere. Aam ka nahin bewakoof, lal mirch ka achar do. Yeh hui na baat. Aaj Bai ke andhe baapu ko phone karo aur kaho apni beti ko phone karega aur kahega tum Muscat aanaa chahate ho. Uske ghar rehe sakoge kya?"
Pati, "Yeh kaun si nayi chaal hai?"
"Diwali ki chuttiyon mein Dubai chalte hain. Bai ne haan kiya toh tum akele ek hafte ke liye bai se milne Muscat chale jaanaa."
Pati, "Idea toh fantastic hai. Family holiday bhi. Saath mein meri alag special holiday. Waah. Bada naaz hai tumko mujhpe."
"Tum mujhko roz breakfast lunch dinner khilao, main tumhare liye chaand taare todne ke liye raazi hoon."
"Mummy humko Muscat nahin jaanaa."
"Beta hum Dubai ja rahe hain. Only daddy is going to Muscat on some official work beta. Dekho toh, bread roll kitne achche bane hain. Thank you bolo mujhe. Subeh subeh uthkar tumhare liye banaya hai. Daddy ne help kiya."
************************************************************
RING RING
Bai,"Ji Bapu. Kaise hain aap sab?"
Bapu,"Beta mujhe Muscat bilkul nahin pasand magar main ek hafte ke liye agar Muscat aayaa toh main tumhare ghar rehe sakta hoon kya?"
Bai,"Adjust kar lenge. Do baathroom hain. Magar aapko yadi Muscat bilkul pasand nahin toh aap mat aayeeye. Abhi main bahut busy hoon. College padh rahi hoon. Aapko sightseeing ke liye nahin le ja paaoongi. Entertainment aap ko khud sambhalna padega. Dubai, Cairo ghoomna chahenge toh aapko akele jaanaa hoga. Meri last semester chal rahi hai."
CLICK
Witch,"Kya hua."
"Muscat tumhe jaanaa ho toh tum jao."
"Bai ne mana kiya kya? Lagta hai woh samajh gayi. Badi chant hai."
***************************************************************
Witch,"Soch lo. Main akeli Dubai ja rahi hoon. Chalna ho toh chalo. Warna mai chali."
*****************************************************************
RING RING
Witch,"Haiiii. Mausam kaisa hai? Yahan bilkul mast hawa chal rahi hai. Sunset hai. Jaake meri photo dekho. Meri friend ne kaha main solah saal ki lag rahi hoon."
"Yeh kya. Beech bazaar mein late gayeen. Log kya sochte honge?"
"Hum bigde nawab hain. Jab mann kiya late gaye."
"Jahan jaati ho zameen pe, ya bistar pe late jaati ho. Aakhir problem kya hai? Baith ke baat karna nahin aataa tumhe?"
"Bachchon ne homework kiya?"
"Kar liya hoga."
"Jaake dekho warna tumhari tarah har cheez mein fail."
"Kabhi mat kehena mujhse yeh baat phir. Maine MBA kar rakhi hai woh bhi IIM s. Tum fail hoti aayee ho."
"hahahahahaha ... main school ki nahin, zindagi ki baat kar rahi hoon."
*****************************************************************
Witch,"Kya haal banaa rakhaa hai. Kuch lete kyon nahin?"
"Kya le loon? Neend ki kami hai."
"Dekhoon tumhari History. Zaroor computer pe do hafte bitaaye honge tumne.....hai Ram. Yeh kya hai?
"Yeh raha Bai ka kamra, yeh sheik ka office, yeh Bai ke bhai ka office, yeh Surekha ka bedroom, yeh uski beti ka study room, yeh tumhara dining table......aaaaaaa ......Itni jor se kyun maaraa?"
"Tabhi tum pooch rahe they maini do ke bajayee lunch mein teen roti kyun khaayee. Tabhi toh neend ki kami hai. Moorkh nahin Mahamoorkh ho. Muscat ke sunrise se London ke sunset tak computer taakte rehete ho. Tum paagal ho gaye ho. Aisa suna tha ek computer technician ke baare mein. Woh customer support mein kaam karta tha. Logon ki photo dekhte dekte baanwala ho gaya. Woh apne ghar ke sandaas mein tak camera laga chuka tha. Bewajeh apni family ko kosta reheta tha. Itna paani kyon flush kiya? Brush din mein 3 baar kyon kiya? Peeche dhoya theek se ki nahin? Ek din woh kulhadi leke apne beeton ko marne gaya. Biwi ko bhi. Usko phir uske doctor ne Kaanke bhej diya. Kahin tumhe wohi bimaari toh nahin lag gayee."
"Mujhe koi bimaari nahin hai. I am hale and hearty."
"Hale and heart ke bachche...jaake mera suitcase lekar aaoo. Main dekhoongi kitne hale and hearty ho."
"Kitni shopping ki tumne?"
"Tumse kam. Yeh Bai college kab se jaa rahi hai?"
"Dusvin ka board pass kiya hai abhi. Junior college mein hai."
"Dikhana."
"Yeh lo."
"Saali pass ho gayee."
"Sab tumhari tarah fail hote rehete hain kya?"
"KYA KAHA??? MUJHE TYPHOID HUA THA."
"Do baar?"
"Nahin ek baar."
"Tum 14 saal school mein theen jab log 12 varsh mein pass hokar nikal gaye."
"Toh kya hua? Ab dekho mujhe. Laakhon mein khelti hoon. Tum jaise log mere joote chaate hain.....mera matlab respect karte hain."
"Ho chuki respect. Yeh lo. Dinner khatam karo. Thodi si tarkaari aur logi?"
******************************************************************************
"Utho. Jawab do mujhe. Tumne Surekha se meri shikaayat ki. Us maamooli se do paise ki school teacher se MERI shikayat ki. School teacher ki koi aukaat hoti hai society mein jo tum aise neech logons se baat bhi karo? Agli baar Surekha ne meri khilli udai main maar daloongi tumko. Ek sari Bai bhool ke gayi. Uska kriya karm nahin karwaya toh mera naam nahin."
"Kya subeh subeh badbadaa rahi ho."
"hahahahahaha ... Gabbar se dar lagta hai tumhe. Abhi tumne darrna seekha hi kahan?"
**************************************************************************
RING RING
Witch,"Shuklaji. Ram Ram. Ek kaam tha aapse. Aap ko yaad hoga hamare yahan woh Bai thee."
"Jee usko kaun bhool paye hai? Poore sheher mein uske charche hain. Koi keheta hai woh Raamgargh ki raajkumari hai, koi keheta hai bundelkhand ki. Kya hua?"
"Woh problem ban rahi hai. Aap kuch karenge?"
"Maamla naazuk hai magar ho sakta hai."
"Baat pakki samajh loon."
"Jee haan, bilkul."
"Jai Ramji ki."
"Jai Ramji ki."
**********************************************************************
Witch,"Haan beta. Ek minute. Main computer pe hoon. Kya kehe raha hai doodhwala? ..... Usse kaho paise kal le jayega.....(dekho usko padh rahi hai. kya samajh rakha hai? MBA karlegi? Iski taange todoon main.) UTHO. Bai ke bapu se kaho uski koi certificate woh usko nahin bhejenge. College ja rahi hai. MBA karke woh hamari barabri karegi?? Ab dekho tamasha. Na college ki fees ke paise honge uske paas, na koi certificate, na koi ghar, na koi bachcha. Ro ro kar mar jayegi. Meri barabri karegi?"
RING RING
"Panditji. Woh school walon ne kaha certificate gum gayee. Character certificate hai. Woh aap bhej dein. Marksheet gum gayee."
Witch,"Ab dekho. Mil chuka usko admission. Last date Shanivar ko hai. hahahahahaha."
*********************************************************************
Bapuji,"Beta marksheet schoolwalon ne nahin diye. Board tumne pass kar liya? Kab?? Main toh sochta tha tum aathmi fail ho."
Bai," Ji woh pichle saal private exam diye the maine."
Bapuji,"Marksheet nahin mil rahi hai. School to daant ke chiththi likhi hai maine."
Bai,"Marksheet ki last date kal hai. Koi baat nahin. Fees ke bhi paise nahin hain. Ek saal drop karna padega. Kuch aur kar loongi."
Bapuji,"Beta kharch kam karo. Tum chup chaap India laut aao."
Bai,"Abhi abhi toh main yahan aayee hoon. Bachche khush hain. Useemein meri khushi hai. Kuch din baad mein aaoongee zaroor. Abhi paise nahin hain."
Bapuji,"Main immediately 5 ticket bhej raha hoon. Tum aaoo. Ek din ke liye aao. Magar aao zaroor. Betiyon ko naach sikhaa rahi ho naa. Nachwaoonga unse. Lekar aaoo. Bete ko chod ke aaoo."
Bai,"Ek din ke liye India koi nahin aataa."
Bapuji,"Tumhare liye ek flat kareeda maine 80 lakh ka, sheher se bahar."
Bai,"Kyon???? Fees ke paise nahin the aapke paas, 80 lakh ka flat khareeda???? Usko rent pe de deejiye."
Bapuji,"Woh flat tumhare istmaal ke liye hai. Rent pe dene ke liye thodi."
Bai,"Main late ho rahi hoon. Bye."
(Hey bhagwaan. Logon ke khud ke maa baap unko itna sataa sakte hain mujhko ye nehin maloom tha. Choti si fees nahin de sake. Kotha khareed liya 80 lakh ka. Aur behudi baat bachoon ko nachwaaoga-wali. Koi aisa keheta hai? Kaun aisa sochta hai. Lagta hai Bapuji khud kayee saal neelaam hue. Ab woh humko bhi neelaam hota dekhna chahate hain. Khurana Uncle ka beta unse milne gaya tha toh Baapuji ne phone karke kaha tha mujhse "tumhare friends mere ghar aaye toh laat padegi unko." Bapuji apne aap ko mera dushman samajhte hain. Kya hua? Jis din se unhone ek madam se shaadi karli, woh hum sab ko randi kehene lage, apni amma ko, apni behenon ko, mujhko, meri betiyon ko, meri saheliyon ko. Underworld ki connection is Noorkhan Bazaar wali madam se hamare ghar mein aayee hai. Aise Bapuji ka kya ilaaj?)
*******************************************************************
Witch ka pati,"Ab se tumhare liye chai bina cheenee ke banaaoonga. Aaaj thodisi kam dali. Dheere dheere tumko aadat ho jaayegi."
"SHUT UP. DIKHTA NAHIN MAIN HEADPHONE PEHENI HOON. AB REWIND KARNA PADEGA."
"Achcha baba. Garjo mat. Main pressure cooker chadhake nahane ja raha hoon."
"SHUT UP. Jab dekho mera kaam badhate rehete ho, phir se rewind. Ruko. Pehele Bai ko phone lagaao, kaho India aayegi. Ticket ke paise na hon toh main de doongi, magar kehena uske Baap ne bheja hai."
"Gyarah baje boss ne bulaya hai. Abhi tak pressure cooker ka kaam chaloo nahin kiya. Jane do mujhe."
"Boss ko bolna tire puncture hai. 12 baje pahunchoge. Bai ko lagaao phone. Iski tape banaa ke rahoongi. Kya samajh rakha hai, main jo kaam karne nikalti hoon, woh kaam zaroor hota hai."
"Nahiiiiin. Sab ko maaloom ho jaayegaa maine kya kiya."
"Useemein toh tumhari tareef hai. Tum ek international movie banaaoge. Log taajjub karenge yeh kaise hua. Aaj kal threesome ka bolbabala hai. Twosome purani ho chuki. Waqt aane par Bai se baat mein karloongi. Mujhe koi manaa nahin karta. Yeh Baba ki den hai. Jo main kahoon log fauran maan jaate hain. "
"Dekhta hoon ek baar aur poochkar."
RING RING
"Why don't you come to India?"
"No time, no money."
CLICK
Witch,"Sheik se kaho 4 ticket main bhej rahi hoon. Uske baap se bhi kehena."
"Tum mujhko marwaa daalogi. Main aisa kuch nahin karoonga."
"Chal baawarchi, tel daal kadahi mein, aur fry ho ja. Hahahahahahahahhehehehehehohoho"
**************************************************************************
Witch, "Aaj dekha computer pe Bai ne thumri gaayi subeh uthke. Phone karo usko. Kaho India aayegee. Bhale ek hi raat rahe, magar aayegee. Warna meri movie ka kya hoga? Aaj gajab ki picture deki, $4 on a lonely road. Woh tumhara dost hai na Azad, usse bhi baat karni padegi. Uska number dena."
"Maine usse baat nahin ki dus saalon mein. Tum phone karogi toh woh kya sochega?"
"Kuch nahin sochega. Uski bibi mar gayi."
"Kab."
"Saal hua. Cancer tha."
"Bichari. Badi nek aur bhali aurat thi."
"Cancer tha, kya karti, majbooran nek aur bhale hona padta hai mareezon ko."
"Mil gaya Azad ka number. Woh ghar par hai. Lagata hon phone."
"Tum aise bologe ki tumhe afsos hai, chutti pe hamare yahan aa jaao toh woh maan jayega. Bus Bai ki kami hai. Bulaao use bhi."
RING RING
"Azad, bada afsos hua khabar sunkar ...... haan ... haan.... theek.".
Witch,"Dekha. Maan gaya. Jaise jaise main kahoon, tum bolte raho. Raaj karoge. Ab Bai ko karo."
"Uski ek saheli hai jisko woh bahut maanti hai. Kahoonga mandir ki sair karne India chalo. Woh daudi daudi chali aayegi."
"Brahman ki beti hai. Aa jayegi. Teesri line meri. Sunoo main bhi yeh Rashi ki aawaaz."
RING RING
"Hello, main Rashi. India aaonaa. Teerth pe chalte hai.
"No time, no money."
CLICK
Witch,"Suna maine teesri line pe. Dekho aise kaam nahin banega. Uska baap uspe pressure daalega tab woh maanegi. Baap se kaho daante use. Daraae use. Tab woh maanegi. Emotional atyachaar ka waqt aa raha hai. Kaho kaisi beti ho? Birthday pe kabhi wish nahi karti ho. Main kyon tumko apni aulaad maan loon. Beti bihaakar paraayee ho jaati hai. Aur phone rakho dhad se. Tattee niklegi sunkar woh India daudi daudi chale aayegi."
RING RING
Witch,"Babaji, kuch kareeye. Aapke kaam mein der ho rahi hai. Kuch kariye."
Babaji,"Beta mera aashirwaad hamesha tumhare saath hai. Is varsh Ramleela ka paath karna. Safalta praapt hogi."
CLICK
Witch,"Suno, tumko teer maarna aata hai?"
"Kya?"
"Babaji ne kaha hai humko Ramleela karnese safalta praapt hogi. Tum Ram main Sita, Azad Laxman."
"Aur Bai."
"Woh aur uski betiyaan naachengee. hahahahahaha. Log paise phekenge. hahahahaha. Kabhi dekhi hai kisine nachti hui NRI bai? Uske phate baap ki bhi yehi ichcaa hai. Usko bhi bula lo humaari team mein. Uski biwi ko phone karoon."
RING RING
Witch,"Hello, ji Ram Ram. Woh aapki beti badi sir chadhi hai. Kuch kariye. Main bhi yahan se pressure lagaaoon. Aap wahan se. Khudkhushi kar legi. Bachche aap ke hue."
CLICK
Pati,"Yeh kaisi baat kar rahi ho.
"Chadd yaar. Tum doodh peete bachche ho. Ruko. Zaroori baat bhool gayee."
RING RING
Witch,"Ji Auntyji. Sheik se aap ki achchi dosti hai. Usse kehena hamare yahan dawat hai. Zaroor aaye."
"Zaroor beta. Khush raho. Jai Ramji ki."
CLICK
Witch,"Chikne ne pass saath hazaar dollar hain bank mein. Kuch toh dega mujhe. Uska tape dekhoongi gaurse. Kuch na kuch galath kaam sabhee karte hain. Pakad loongi. Sandhya ne kaha tha woh golmal karta reheta hai."
"Sandhya ki baat purani ho chuki."
"Aadmi nahin badalte. Chor hamesha chori karte hain, kayar hamesha kayar hote hain, akalmand hamesha raaj karte hain, baiyan hamesha shaheed hoti hain. Tumhari amma ko dekhlo. Saari zindagi woh shaheed hui hain. Kya kar liya unhone shaheed hokar."
"Humko itna pyar diya, hum usi pyar ke sahaare ab tak jee rahe hain. Tum jaisi laakh dayanein martee hain tab ek ma unke jaisi janam leti hai. "
"hahahahahahahaha ... gareebee ka asar ab bhi tumhare dimaagh par itna hai, tum kuch nahin samajhte. Log thookte hain tumhare oopar tumhari amma par. Woh toh main hoon jo tumhari izzat bachaati reheti hoon. Dekho subeh Seth Bhawandarlal mujhse milne aaye the. Socho itne bade log mujhse milne mere ghar aate hain. Tumse milne ek Bai tak nahin aatee. Dekh li tumne apni asliyat. Tumko koi nahin jaanta. Mera naam lo sheher mein sau diye jal uthen. Seth ki file tumhare table par hai. Sign kairo jaake aur file Tomar ko dena."
"Woh tum kehe raheen thi Sheik chikna hai."
"Dekho usko, Rahul Gandhi jaisa hai. Kitna ameer lagta hai.Suna hai India mein bhi ghar hai uska."
"Tumko Rahul Gandhi per crush haina. Isiliye Sheik ko pasand kartee ho."
"Bai Sheik to itna pyaar karne lagi hai. Sab chod chaad ke useeke paas hai. Koi toh jadoo hoga usme. Uski jaadoo ki chadi main bhi toh tatooln, dekhoon kya hai usme. hahahahahah. Waise suna hai Sheik ne apni peheli bibi ko maar daala tha. Bachchon ko bhi. Dekhna Bai aur uske bachche bhi kuch hi din ke mehemaan hain. Mil aao unke marne se pehele ek baar."
"Kya bakti reheti ho?Soch ke baat kiya karo."
"Yaar tum innocent ho. Nahin samjhoge. A man never changes. Once a murderer always a murderer. hahahahaha. Bai ke din bahut kam hain. Ek taraf uski sauteli amma aur andhe bapu, ek taraf Sheik. Aur zara sa mental tension aur daalo us par, khudhushi kar legi. Bai ki Ruma chachi ne bhi aisa hi kiya tha. Taang liya usne apne aap ko. Bai ke Amok phuphaaji ne bhi. Roz tang karna jaanti hai uski amma. Dekho kya kya karti reheti hai apne ghar mein. Uske bapu ko joote chappal se bhi maara usne sab ke saamne. Ab woh aadmi din bhar peeta reheta hai. Woh bhi toh ek kism ki khudkhushi hai. Kehete hain uske chote bhai ko bhi isi ne mara tha. Gaur se dekho tape aur suno gaur se. Sab pata lag jayega. Woh Bai ko zinda nahin chodegi. Sheik se already khub dosti kar rahi hai. Bai jayegi kahan bachke? Ya hamare paas ya swarg. Phone karo usko, yaad dilaao uske koi dost nahi hain. Ya woh hamare paas athi hai ya uska anth nishchit hai. Bolo usko. Dekho daudi daudi chali aayegi. Pata toh sabko hai hamesha jeet murderer ki hi hoti hai. Woh murkh todi hai. Woh bhi is baat ko achche se jaanti hai. Useeke ghar mein dekhlo. Sare murderer ki tamaam izzat. Sare bechaaron ke pichwade mein danda. Chaaho toh tum bhi shaamil ho jaao bichaaron mein. Is duniya mein jeene ke liye kalejaa mere jaisa chaahiyee." ***************************************************************************
RING RING
Witch,"Ji Shuklaji. Aapko yaad kiya humne aapne phone kiya humko. Badi lambi umr hai aapki. Yeh leejiye ek phone number. Uski amma ka hai .... haan woh meri friend hai ... aapko ata pata bataaegi. Kaam aur aasaan ho jayega. Sheik ko bhi nyota diya hai .... hahahahaha .... scene pe woh bhi hoga ..... range haath... hahahaha"
"Yeh Shukla kaun hai?"
"Tera baap. Yaar Eid pe bakre katthe hain sher hain."
"Saanp bhi nahin. Main yeh saari baatein Bai ko bataa doonga. Naachti rehena tum."
"hahahahaha...Bai se baat tak karne ki himmat nahin hai...tumme....Bai ko bataaoge.....usse phele woh jaan se haath dho chuki hogi......hahahahaha
Naadaanon ki duniya kitni suneheri hoti hai. Sapne sajaate rehete hain din raat. haha .... hahahahah....haha
****************************************************************************
Witch,"Aye Nautanki. Tum Ram ho Shivji nahin. Yaad rakho nahin to Ramleela fail."
"Tum Sita, main Ram."
"Correct my boy."
"Ravan kaun?"
"Arvind ya Sheik, ya dono."
"ok."
"Aaj kal ke zamaane mein threesome ka bolbala hai. Twosome purani hui."
"Yeh aayaa Ravan tumko lene. Bye guys. Have fun. Don't be back soon."
(Ufff baat karte karte galaa sookh gaya)
******************************
Witch,"Finally Sunday. Funday."
"Funday tumhara hamesha reheta hai. Sunday ho ya Monday. Daaru nahau, maalish karaao. Ramu bahut din se gayab hai. Tum theek toh ho na?"
"Ramu gaya toh kya hua? Maalish karne waale aur bhi hain is sheher mein.....ha hahaha...muah .....mere pyare bachche .... is ghar mein bachchon ki kami kabhi nahin mehesoon hogi. Tum jo ho."
"Yaad aayaa bachpan. Meri photo dekho, 10th ki. Morarji Desai hamare school aaye they. Mujhe dher saari prize mili thee. Achchee hai na photo."
"Hmmm... ek photo mein do chuutiye.... kam dekhne ko milti hai aisi photo."
"Aise mat kaho. Woh pradhaan mantri they. Yeh dekho interschool cricket match ki shield."
"Paise kitne mile?"
"In cheezon ke paise nahin milte."
"Tum bachpan se chutiye ho?"
"Shut up."
"Lala Amarnath ka ghar dekha. Kya roaab hai, kya style. Bade logon ki baat hi aur hoti hai."
"Yeh dekho Bai ke parnana ki photo. Gandhji ke aandolan mein woh bhi shaamil they. "
"Ek hi photo mein do gaandu? hahahaha .... kamal ki album hai...aur kuch?"
"Tumhare mann mein kisi ke liye shradhdhaa nahin hai.Thakur Rabindranathji ki bhi photo hai . Jao nahin dikhaataa. Tum phir kuch bakogi."
"Phate haal logon ki photo mein kya rakha? Mat dikhaao. Meri photo dekhi? College wali. Ek ladke ne 100 ki note dekar khareedi thi. Itne charche hue, itne chache hue. Yahan se Dilli tak."
***************************************************************
Bachche,"Mummy, Shankar aur Ramu dono laut aaye. Ab ghar ghar jaisa lagne laga. Dono nahin they toh achchaa nahin lagta thaa."
Witch,"Kyon?"
Bachche,"Pata nahin. Bus yoonhi."
Witch ka pati,"Ah Shankar. Meri almaari theek karna tum. Koi cheez nahin mil rahi hai."
Shankar,"Jee sahab."
Witch,"Ramu, aaj kadhi aur chawal aur aaloo ka chokha banaanaa."
Ramu,"Jee."
thodi der baad ....
Shankar, Ramu se,"Achchaa hua hum dono aa gaye. Sahab beemaar lagne lage hain."
Ramu,"Haan dekha. Unka ghar, unki naukri, dono ki bahut pyar se dekhbhaal karte hain. Thak gaye honge hum dono ka kaam karte karte."
Shankar,"Hum do log hain phir bhi thak jaate hain. Sahab bhi kamaal hain. Itna saaraa kaam akele kar lete hain."
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Summer, now.
Witch ka pati,"Yeh CDs kya kar rahi hain almaari mein?"
Witch,"Yeh recordings hain. Kahin na kahin bech loongi. Kuch badi interesting hain. Tumne toh dekhi hi hongi."
"Paagal ho gayi ho? Tum paagal ho gayee ho. Yehi baat hamare bachchon se saath bhi ho sakti hain. Samjhi. Kiseene case kiya toh tum kya karogee? "
"Main wapas unpe case kar loongi. Sab ki information mere paas hai."
"Digital fingerprint samajhti ho? Haar jaogi."
"Kaunsa judge hai jo bikta nahi? Kaunsa lab hai jo bikta niahin. Daroga mere jeb mein hai. MLA bhi. Darr kiska?"
"Tumhara paagalpan hadd paar kar chuka hai. Kuch karna padega. Tum kisi bade doctor se ilaaj karwaao."
"Mujhe koi bimaari nahin hai."
"Saaf dikh raha hai. Tum bilkul paagal ho gayee ho."
*******************************************************************
Witch,"Dekh, Bai ne Alka se baat ki."
Husband,"Gujarati Alka ya Bangali?"
Witch,"Bangali. Dekhoon main kya baat hui."
Recording replay hui.
**********************************************************
Witch,"Us Bai ke baap se kaho mere Dubai ke trip ke paise woh dega. Kya samajh rakha hai? Bai promise ki thee usne. Bai nahin aayee. Mujhe paise wapis laakar do."
Husband," Ruko abhi."
Witch,"Main rukne waalon meise nahin hoon. Paise lautaao nahin toh phir dekho kya hota hai. Dubai main tumhare khaatir gayee thi."
"Kyon gayee thee? Bai ne manaa kiya thaa. Maine manaa kiyaa tha. Tum kyon gayee?"
"Jo main kehetee hoon karke dikhaatee hoon. Underworld ka sabse pehela wasool hotha hai ye. Tum jaise moorkhon ke bas ki baat nahin hai. Phone karo uske baap ko, bolo paise degaa."
"Main MBA se don kab hua????"
"hahahahahaha...Tum? Don???? hahahaha. ek naukrani nahin pataanee aayee....Don ..... Naukrani main rakhti hoon, usse baat main kartee hoon, padosiyon ke sawaalon ko main jhelti hoon, naukraani ka disposal main karti hoon, paison ka len den main sambhaalti hoon ... tum don ? .... (muah) tum mere sabse aziz prostitute ho. Dekho yeh bangla bageecha, ye Maruti, yeh zewar, sab tumko bechke khareeda hai maine. Tabhee toh itna naaz hai mujhko tum par... dekho yaar don woh hote hain jo apne bachchon tak ko karke bech dete hain. Sher hote hain sher, sheik jaise, chikne, ameer, diler. Tum bakri ho apni ma ki tarah .... baaaaaaaa .......hahahaha ... Eid aa rahi hai. Karoon phone maulvi ko???.....hahahaha .....tabhi toh Bai Sheik ki ho gayee.... deewanee ho gayee hai uski ..... auratein sheron ko chahatee hain, bakron ko nahin .... "
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