She said,"Don't write those silly posts. You will teach children how to be bad."
- SDG
Friday, June 21, 2013
Motivational Speech by Witch To Little Kids
My neighbor's kids and the witch's daughter are on the same sporting team.
They're playing a match tomorrow.
The witch said this at the end of practice today,"The important thing isn't winning. The important thing is to make others lose."
- SDG
They're playing a match tomorrow.
The witch said this at the end of practice today,"The important thing isn't winning. The important thing is to make others lose."
- SDG
Sunday, June 9, 2013
BADI BHABHI - Episodes I - X
BADI BHABHI
Posting a new series called BADI BHABH starting today. It started as a Facebook post so on occasion I will include the comments to maintain continuity.
"Badi" in Hindi means "older" or "senior"or "larger" (Fem.)
"Bhabhi" in Hindi means "brother's wife".
This story is mainly fictional, with a few facts woven in here or there for realism. We all know at least one or two women who sound a whole lot like Badi Bhabhi (BB) so don't email me asking me how I know your Aunt Chameli or when I met your neighbor Mrs Kapoor. Badi Bhabhi is not based on any one individual. She just represents a certain set of attitudes that I have encountered in several different people. They all belong to a certain school of thought.
So here goes, BADI BHABHI (Episode I)
BADI BHABHI
Sonali Gurpur
called a few friends and acquaintance to wish them a Happy New
Year. Most folks are doing well so God's in His Heaven and all's right
with the world, but for a few exceptions. I heard this sad sad tale from
a friend who had to attend a funeral over the weekend. Someone they
knew well back in India had passed away.
January 6 at 9:09am · · Like ·
Sonali Gurpur
He was a high school teacher and lacrosse coach who had taken
his team to NYC for some special training and was sightseeing when he
got run over by a bus.When my friend and her husband went to give their
condolence the widow, 55, all distraught said,"Bhale yeh bhi koi baat
hui. Life insurance bhi nahi thi. Khud khushi kar lete saalon pehele.
Itne saal maine bilkul deformed admi ke saath zindagi guzaari hai.
Physics aur Math aur lacross ke alawa unko kuch nahin aata tha. Logon ne
mujhko poem likhke bheje meri jawani mein. Inse ek Valentines Day ki
card bhi nahin mili. Woh kya kehte hain, unki right brain deformed thi.
Aur toh aur, even one ball was smaller than the other."
January 6 at 9:17am · Like
Daman Sahni Oh dear.
January 6 at 9:25am · Like
Sonali Gurpur The deceased had a Phd in Physics and had played
Ranjhi cricket so he picked up lacrosse playing with his kids and got
all his certificates so he could coach. I grieve for not just his soul
but for the life he must have lived each day for the last 30 years.
January 6 at 9:37am · Like
Subroto Banerjee oh gosh!
January 6 at 10:28am · Like
Sonali Gurpur That's life.
January 6 at 12:57pm · Like
BADI BHABHI (Episode II)
Sonali Gurpur
That had to be a luncheon from Hell or at least Vaudeville. We
were six at the table, my friend from India who was the hostess, her
cousin who went to school with me, the bereaved lady wife of deceased
Ranjhi player, her two daughters who were flying back to OH and to MO.
"Badi Bhabhi" is how my friend addresses her so I did the same.
The food was superb, dahi ballas soft as a cloud, baigan masala, and biryani.
January 14 at 10:03am · · Like ·
Sonali Gurpur
It was nice meeting my friends. We met after years. I met "Badi
Bhabhi" and her daughters for the very first time. The lady is very
grave in her speech and demeanor and being newly bereaved very anxious
and wide eyed. We were especially careful to be very deferential toward
her. And so I guess she had to do all the talking, because our fear of
saying the wrong thing was keeping us quiet. She was especially pleased
to note two of the party were from Hyderabad, since biryani was on the
menu.
After the jalzeera we got up to go to the table. BB pulled out a
bottle of gray powder from her bottomless purse and offered it to me. I
asked her what it was. "Julab" , she said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Kyon, tumko constipation nahin hota?"{Don't you suffer from constipation?}
"Nahin toh."{No.}
"Sahi? Hamare padosi the Hyderabad ke. Unko tha."{Oh really? That's strange, because my neighbor in Illinois, from Hyderabad was severely constipated.}
"BB, Hyderabad mein caroron log rehete hain."{Badi Bhabi, millions of people live in Hyderabad.}
Then she offered it to my friend and was met with uncontrollable giggling. BB was visibly shaken, but she took her khurak {dose} and began telling us where to sit.
Then she asked us what we wanted
to drink. The requests were, Coke, water, Diet Coke, water, more
jalzeera. She opened a large bottle of Sprite and started pouring it in
our cups, saying,"Motion ke liye yeh sabse achcha hai."{It is excellent as a laxative.}
My friend almost choked on a dahi balla. BB's daughters were
turning pink, but sweet dutiful girls, 29, and 27, that they are, they
said nothing.
BB smacked her lips and asked the hostess,"Baigan mein til hai ke nahin? Swad nahin aa raha." {Aren't there any sesame seeds in the eggplant curry? I can't taste them.}
"BB til khatam thi toh nahin daali."{I was all out of sesame seeds.}
"Til constipation ke liye bahut achcha hai. Beta shaam ke liye bhindi banaanaa. {Sesame seeds are an excellent laxative. Cook okra for dinner.} It has a lot of slime to help you go."
January 14 at 10:24am · Like
Smita Srivastava LOL. Good BB didn't sprinkle isabgol over the bhallas !!
January 14 at 12:51pm · Unlike · 1 person
Daman Sahni LMAO @ ISABGOL....Honey, you will get it
January 15 at 10:29am · Like
Sonali Gurpur Apparently BB asked for my phone
no. Her kids have moved far away so she feels very lonesome and needs
people to talk to. I don't know what to think, or what to do.
January 16 at 6:54am · Like
Ipsita Johri Rane Sona di - hope all those people are not on your FB :D
January 16 at 7:11am · Like
Sonali Gurpur No. Obviously not.
January 16 at 7:18am · Like
BADI BHABHI - Episode III - BB calling
BB calling
by Sonali Gurpur on Tuesday, January 18, 2011 at 11:19am
BB called. I picked it up in spite of my apprehensions. She was
civil in an olde worlde kind of way, asking about every body's health.
expressing concern over issues that cause concern etc etc. Then she told
me,"Mehengai ka zamana hai. CVS mein buy 2 get 1 free Q Tips mil raheen
hain. Jaake khareed lo," and she said she grocery shopped on Sunday,
cooked yesterday, is calling up friends and family today, as per her
weekly routine. I guess she's not so bad after all.
Like · · Share · Delete
- Daman Sahni likes this.
BADI BHABHI - Episode IV - THE BELLY BUTTON DANCE
*BB called. And for the life of me I can't figure out her greeting,"Tumhara belly button theek hai?"
Translation : ( Is your belly button okay?)
I mean this was before "hello, how are you."
Scratching my head. Then the
rest of the conversation was a bit disjointed too but somewhat saner.
I'm wondering if she's on something, or ought to be on something.
January 26 at 4:44pm · · Like ·
- Aloka Ray likes this.
Sonali Gurpur Aloka, I wish you
could meet her. She can be very intimidating if you were raised with the
strong belief "Elders are ALWAYS right", because she peppers her speech
with a lot of shlokas, aphorisms and quotes from the Bible and Quoran.
Once you get past that she is a lot of fun to be around, just waiting to
see what she might say or do next. She is an entire Vaudeville act all
by herself, the poor old lady.
January 27 at 6:01am · Like
Aloka Ray Wish I could....seems quite interesting :)
January 27 at 6:45am · Like
Sonali Gurpur Let's see what she does or says next.
I'm wondering if there are more people like her or if she is a very unique specimen.
January 27 at 7:03am · Like
*BB today
by Sonali Gurpur on Saturday, January 29, 2011 at 6:05pm
Uh-oh, BB called, rattled after
spending half the day at the ER. She woke up with a terrifying earache
and thought she might die, her neighbor who took her to the ER thought
it was an ear infection. The Dr told her she had packed gunk and a
woolly mass in there so they put some pink syrup in them and washed them
out with warm water and she is feeling good as new. To be on the safe
side they handed her a prescription in case she developed a fever. She
is quite upset with the Dr however, "Bees saal ka bhi nahin hai, apni
Amma to kaan saaf karne sikhaa raha hai. Kaun aak ji taareek mein bob
pin se kaan ka mael nikalta hai. Q tip ka zamana hai. Bhookha marega
doctari nahin chodega toh."
TRANSLATION: (He isn't even twenty, and he wants to teach his grandmother how to suck eggs. He will die a pauper if he doesn't quit medicine.)
*BB
BB is feeling better, the QTip
episode well behind her. She went furniture shopping all day in the
drizzle and has her heart set on a "ball and claw" table. I don't know
where this is headed but it seems like a step in the right direction.
Like · · Share · Delete
*How long are you obliged to offer someone a shoulder to cry on?
Badi Bhabhi (BB) needs to get a
life. In the middle of my chores the phone rang and I saw her number but
picked it up despite all my apprehensions only because she is newly
bereaved.
Bam! She did it again. No hi, no hello, her greeting was,"Thumara belly button theek hai???" {Translation : Is your belly button okay?}Only this time I did not respond. I remained silent giving her time to reflect on her own words.
After 5 seconds or so she says, "Theek hai jaane do. Pata hai meri didi ( older sister )
ka phone tha. Mere bachchon ne usko phone kiya tha yeh poochne ke liye
lehenga satin mein ya taffeta mein zyada sundar lagta hai. Mere betiyan
mujhko phone nahin karti hain. Us saali ko phone karti reheti hain.
Kamaaoo hai na. Meri tarah housewife nahin hai. Kaash main bhi doctor
hoti apni betiyon jaise toh meri kadr karte mere bachche. Sab power ka
aur paison ka khel hai. Jab tak ye zinda they bachche roz phone kiya
karte the. Ab nahin. Unko apni Amma se kuch nahin milega toh phone kyon
karenge?""{Translation :
Never mind about your belly button. My older sister just called from
India. My daughters call her all the time asking her for advice on
trivial matters like what to wear. They call that bitch but they don't
call me. I don't earn but she does so she gets their respect. I wish I
was a doctor too then they would love me too. Tell you what, life is all
about money. As long as my husband was alive my daughters called home
every day. Now he's dead and they call no more. They know I can give
them nothing."}
Her other phone rang and she excused herself to answer it since it was from her didi ( older sister )" again.
I'm not sure what her problem was but on an international call she
yelled her lungs out at her didi,"Don't encourage my children to call
you by talking sweetly to them. Why do you have to be friends with my
children when you have children and grandchildren of your own? Don't
talk to my kids." With that she hung up on her didi and asked me yet
again, "Tumhara belly button theek hai? {Is your belly button okay?}" I had to hang up.
Like · · Share · Delete
*BB ka bb problem solved
by Sonali Gurpur on Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 10:06am
BB aaj Badi Bhabhi se Bheegee Billi hui hai. Unka naya roop bada pyara hai. Belly button ka raaz khul gaya. { BB went from Badi Bhabhi to 'wet cat' today. The secret of the belly button was revealed today.} She
spent the better part of Valentine's Day at the Dr's office, the same
young Dr's office who removed the "woolly mass" from her ear. This time
he asked her if she used Q Tips for belly button hygiene. She hated him
for asking her that I'm sure. She had to be seen for a severely painful
bb (belly button) from leftover cotton fibers getting soaked each day
and was told to stick to wash cloths. This time she was not arrogant.
She has finally understood her limitations. Now I can stop getting
annoyed by her greeting,"Tumhara bb theek hai? {Is your belly button okay?}
Like · · Share · Delete
Anamitra Roy Barbeq to blackberry problem solved ?
February 15 at 10:40am · Like
Sonali Gurpur Does that mean I was
getting BBQ'd? I was. I didn't know how to deal with older people who
are stupid/mean/vulgar because I was raised to respect all elders. Only
now I am understanding how stupid people can be despite their age.
February 15 at 10:44am · Like
BADI BHABHI - Episode V - Mrs. Pious Lady and The Big Bad Boyz
Badi Bhabhi ko kuch log bade pyare lagte hain.
Woh hain Lady Gaga, OJ Simpson, Tiger Woods.
Bhajan keertan ka bhi shauk rakhti hain.
BADI BHABHI - Episode VI - FAIR 'N LOVELY
BB said,"Mujhe dekho, main kitni gori aur kitni khubsoorat hoon, lekin mere pagal pati ko sirf lambi aur kali ladkiyan pasand theen."
{TRANSLATION : Look at me, I am so fair and beautiful, but my stupid husband only liked tall, dark girls."}
BADI BHABHI - Episode VII - Look At Me, Only Me
Badi Bhabhi was in an adivsory mood, "You girls better watch out, you are all rebelling against your husbands by getting yourselves corporate jobs. Your husbands will soon all be dead.
My neighbor did that, her husband died in five years.
My sister-in-law did that, in a different way, she had an affair with my brother's boss, and he died in two years.
Look at me, I was such a good wife. I always worked at a job at a much lower level than my husband's. I never let him feel I was competing with him as head of household."
BADI BHABI - EPISODE VIII - Hallelujah for figs!
Hallelujah for figs! BB had figs. And they helped. TREMENDOUSLY. But she figured it out only now.
Two days ago, in the middle of a toothache, I got this panicky call from her, BB saying she was so scared she might die. "Why? You looked okay the last time I saw you. What happened?" I asked. She said a little while ago she almost passed out in the loo having a vision of herself on a funeral pyre because she saw lots of red in the water. She was crying hysterically thinking she might die of a shock induced heart attack and hoped her neighbors would check on her since they would not see her taking her dog for a walk.
I told her to calm down. It is okay. These things happen.
She said she was calling because she was calm. When she stopped crying she brought out a trusty cotton bud, stuck it up her ***, and checked, and it was red but lumpy so she performed a sniff test if you please, and remembered she had had lasagna for lunch, prune and cranberry juice for breakfast, red wine and chicken tikka masala for dinner three days ago.
That episode led to a cleansing after years.
She says it was those figs her neighbor gave to her. "They're great. And taste better than Isabgol."
- SDG
Monday, May 13, 2013
BADI BHABHI - Episode IX
Guess who has the most amazing love story ever! Yes. It is BB.
She met her husband in kindergarten, and on the first day of school her
father-in-law decided one day she would be her daughter-in-law. She fell
madly in love with her husband in the 5th standard but he was cavorting
around with other girls. She prayed day and night, gayatri mantra, Hail
Mary, namaaz, all 3, every day, and a guruji came to her in a dream and
said,"Tumhara byah kisi aur se hone wala tha magar tumhara priyatam
tumko mil gaya" on her 18th birthday. He called her from a cricket camp
to wish her a happy birthday and proposed to her. They got married after
he finished his PG and quit playing cricket full time. She says in a
vision she saw her daughter as a newborn and then a few weeks later
found out she was having a baby. Again in a vision, the morning before
he passed away, a deceased relative, her husband's cousin tapped on her
car window and asked for permission to take her husband with him."
They must have been soul mates. She begs to differ though but
who knows. Human beings can only guess at such things. Any how, soul
mates or not, it is quite a story.
After such a touching and beautiful romance how did the marriage
go so wrong, I've been wondering since yesterday? I'm thinking it was a
case of "buyer's remorse", especially on her part. She was a "sore
winner" . She achieved her one and only goal, having flunked the medical
entrance test 5 times, and then had no where to use her competitive and
aggressive spirit so she turned it on full blast toward her own family.
I have a couple of relatives like that so I know how destructive they
can be. I wish they had had a happier life. Her daughters are nice, and
from what I hear about him, their Dad was nice too. So marrying ones
soul mate is not the answer to any body's troubles. A marriage is still a
marriage. It takes love and patience and commitment and team spirit and
basic common sense...all those good things, to make it work.
Now that I'm talking about studying, perhaps a masters or a certification, so hopefully I can teach, BB is saying,"Akalmand apne bachchon ko school bhejte hain aur moorkh unko padhate hain." I could not even respond my jaw was hanging so low so long. Her husband was a teacher for 30 yrs. Her beti stepped in to protect the memory of her Dad and said,"Mummy tried to get a teaching job at least 13 times but could not so she hates teachers." Thank you baby girl for telling me that or I would have thought BB was being so mean to me, my Mom, my Grandma, all of whom were teachers. So it was all about her and her self image problems.
4 minutes ago · Like
- Sonali Gurpur
We ate chole and puris for nashta. The chole was exceptional. BB is a good cook. Her daughter and she made the puris together. And as puris often turn out, some were soft and fluffy, some were not. BB sat down at the table, and announced, to no one in particular,"Yeh naram puriyan maine banaayin. Papad meri bitiya ne banaayin. Doctari padh rahi hai na, kitchen ka kaam nahin aataa hai." The poor kid was so demoralized. They made all the puris together, so BB really shouldn't have said that. I wish I had negated that biased statement. If I tell her next week it won't have the same meaning.
Anyways, as I was leaving, her daughter's friend stopped by for a second, to give her something. She breezed in, cheerful soul, said hellos all around, cracked us up with a couple of witticisms, and left. After she left, as BB was seeing me off, she says,"So don't you think it is fishy? Don't you think she is loose?"
"What do you mean?"
"Look at her bustline."
"Whose bustline?"
"(girl's name.)
"When in the world do you go around looking at people's bustlines BB? And she is your daughter's friend. Think before you talk. Don't accuse someone of having no morals without thinking. How would you feel if someone said that about your kids?"
"My nephew wants to marry her. All because of it. He saw her once now he wants to marry her. He used to like Poonam Dhillon now he wants to marry this black girl."
"BB, nobody makes an offer of marriage based on bustlines. Get over it."
"You don't know men. They like such women. You know what she said to my dog last time she was here? She asked him if he wanted to h^^^p the sofa."
"BB you are so silly. Kids talk like that these days amongst friends. Relax. She probably did not realize you could hear her."
"But look at her..."
"Okay. I get your drift. I need to run. Khuda hafiz. Phir milenge. Thanks for the awesome chole and puris." "
May 20 at 11:11pm · Like
Sonali Gurpur - I believe I neglected to mention BB's kitchen cabinets, on the inside, the doors have pictures of Michael Jackson, on 7 of them. One is a shrine to O J Simpson. She saw me looking at them and said,"I love dark skinned men. My husband was like that. I am a brahmin but he was a shudhra. Rich black skin. I know your husband is very very fair. Do you like fair men?"
20 years, 4 babies later, that is a moot question I thought so I just smiled and thought this woman is mighty strange.
about a minute ago · Like
BB has a well developed treatise on complexions. She said,"Ladkian gori honi chahiyen. Mard sawale hone chaiyen. Tab asli raunak lagti hai. Dekho mujhko mai kitni gori hoon. Isiliye mere husband ne mujhko chuna, warna cricketer ke paas bahut choices hoti hain. Un saari ladkiyon mein se, mere husband ne mujhko chuna. Aur meri kismat dekho. Meri betiyan mere jaise giddi aur mere husband jaisi kaali hain."
"BB kismat se kisiko aapki betiyon jaise intelligent aur socially conscious bachche milte hain. Dono bahut sweet hain. Rang, height, ek minute ke baad dikkthi nahin hain. dono ki personality dekhiye. Bahut pyari hain."
23 hours ago · Like · 1 person
"Stress mein kum umr mein log aisa karte hain. Usko emotional support do. Ninda mat karo."
"Yahan se jab ye chali jayegi tab mein behoshi ki neen soyungi. Kaali kaluti kulta kahinki."
23 hours ago · Like · 1 person
Mariam : Is this creative writing or a real commentary about your BB Sonal ???
21 hours ago · Like
Mariam :makes interesting reading ;)
21 hours ago · Like
20 hours ago · Like
Friday, June 7, 2013
Slow Poke
We all know the witch is slow in certain areas of her life, such a spelling, math, geography, art, manners, decency, but this is a new one she just told us about, obliquely....
She wants to teach masturbation to people 9 to 90 as she has just figured it out herself she says. "It's easy, once you know how," she says. "I can teach you."
She's over 50.
My friends and I are not sure we want to pay her $100 an hour twice a week for the next 50 years.
- SDG
She wants to teach masturbation to people 9 to 90 as she has just figured it out herself she says. "It's easy, once you know how," she says. "I can teach you."
She's over 50.
My friends and I are not sure we want to pay her $100 an hour twice a week for the next 50 years.
- SDG
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Her Nose Is In The Wrong Place As Usual
The Witch wants to know if I met her neighbor, or if we talked on the phone, how long, about what, again...
- SDG
- SDG
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