Sunday, June 9, 2013

BADI BHABHI - Episodes I - X

BADI BHABHI



Posting a new series called BADI BHABH starting today. It started as a Facebook post so on occasion I will include the comments to maintain continuity.

"Badi" in Hindi means "older" or "senior"or "larger"  (Fem.)
"Bhabhi" in Hindi means "brother's wife".


This story is mainly fictional, with a few facts woven in here or there for realism. We all know at least one or two women who sound a whole lot like Badi Bhabhi (BB) so don't email me asking me how I know your Aunt Chameli or when I met your neighbor Mrs Kapoor. Badi Bhabhi is not based on any one individual. She just represents a certain set of attitudes that I have encountered in several different people. They all belong to a certain school of thought.

So here goes, BADI BHABHI (Episode I)


BADI    BHABHI
Sonali Gurpur
called a few friends and acquaintance to wish them a Happy New Year. Most folks are doing well so God's in His Heaven and all's right with the world, but for a few exceptions. I heard this sad sad tale from a friend who had to attend a funeral over the weekend. Someone they knew well back in India had passed away.
January 6 at 9:09am ·  · Like · 
Sonali Gurpur 
He was a high school teacher and lacrosse coach who had taken his team to NYC for some special training and was sightseeing when he got run over by a bus.When my friend and her husband went to give their condolence the widow, 55, all distraught said,"Bhale yeh bhi koi baat hui. Life insurance bhi nahi thi. Khud khushi kar lete saalon pehele. Itne saal maine bilkul deformed admi ke saath zindagi guzaari hai. Physics aur Math aur lacross ke alawa unko kuch nahin aata tha. Logon ne mujhko poem likhke bheje meri jawani mein. Inse ek Valentines Day ki card bhi nahin mili. Woh kya kehte hain, unki right brain deformed thi. Aur toh aur, even one ball was smaller than the other."

{TRANSLATION : Would you believe this ? He had no life insurance! He could have thrown himself under a bus a long tme ago. Just imagine, I spent all those years with a deformed man. He knew nothing beyond Physics and Math and Lacrosse. When I was young boys used to write me poems. He never even gave me a Valentine's Day card. His right brain was deformed. Even one ball was smaller than the other."} 
January 6 at 9:17am · Like
Daman Sahni Oh dear.
January 6 at 9:25am · Like
Sonali Gurpur The deceased had a Phd in Physics and had played Ranjhi cricket so he picked up lacrosse playing with his kids and got all his certificates so he could coach. I grieve for not just his soul but for the life he must have lived each day for the last 30 years.
January 6 at 9:37am · Like
Subroto Banerjee oh gosh!
January 6 at 10:28am · Like
Sonali Gurpur That's life.
January 6 at 12:57pm · Like

BADI BHABHI (Episode II)


Sonali Gurpur
That had to be a luncheon from Hell or at least Vaudeville. We were six at the table, my friend from India who was the hostess, her cousin who went to school with me, the bereaved lady wife of deceased Ranjhi player, her two daughters who were flying back to OH and to MO. "Badi Bhabhi" is how my friend addresses her so I did the same.
The food was superb, dahi ballas soft as a cloud, baigan masala, and biryani.
January 14 at 10:03am ·  · Like · 
Sonali Gurpur 
It was nice meeting my friends. We met after years. I met "Badi Bhabhi" and her daughters for the very first time. The lady is very grave in her speech and demeanor and being newly bereaved very anxious and wide eyed. We were especially careful to be very deferential toward her. And so I guess she had to do all the talking, because our fear of saying the wrong thing was keeping us quiet. She was especially pleased to note two of the party were from Hyderabad, since biryani was on the menu.
After the jalzeera we got up to go to the table. BB pulled out a bottle of gray powder from her bottomless purse and offered it to me. I asked her what it was. "Julab" , she said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Kyon, tumko constipation nahin hota?"{Don't you suffer from constipation?}
"Nahin toh."{No.}
"Sahi? Hamare padosi the Hyderabad ke. Unko tha."{Oh really? That's strange, because my neighbor in Illinois, from Hyderabad was severely constipated.} 
"BB, Hyderabad mein caroron log rehete hain."{Badi Bhabi, millions of people live in Hyderabad.}
Then she offered it to my friend and was met with uncontrollable giggling. BB was visibly shaken, but she took her khurak {dose} and began telling us where to sit.
Then she asked us what we wanted to drink. The requests were, Coke, water, Diet Coke, water, more jalzeera. She opened a large bottle of Sprite and started pouring it in our cups, saying,"Motion ke liye yeh sabse achcha hai."{It is excellent as a laxative.}
My friend almost choked on a dahi balla. BB's daughters were turning pink, but sweet dutiful girls, 29, and 27, that they are, they said nothing.
BB smacked her lips and asked the hostess,"Baigan mein til hai ke nahin? Swad nahin aa raha." {Aren't there any sesame seeds in the eggplant curry? I can't taste them.}
"BB til khatam thi toh nahin daali."{I was all out of sesame seeds.}
"Til constipation ke liye bahut achcha hai. Beta shaam ke liye bhindi banaanaa. {Sesame seeds are an excellent laxative. Cook okra for dinner.} It has a lot of slime to help you go."
January 14 at 10:24am · Like
Smita Srivastava LOL. Good BB didn't sprinkle isabgol over the bhallas !!
January 14 at 12:51pm · Unlike ·  1 person
Daman Sahni LMAO @ ISABGOL....Honey, you will get it
January 15 at 10:29am · Like
Sonali Gurpur Apparently BB asked for my phone no. Her kids have moved far away so she feels very lonesome and needs people to talk to. I don't know what to think, or what to do.
January 16 at 6:54am · Like
Ipsita Johri Rane Sona di - hope all those people are not on your FB :D
January 16 at 7:11am · Like
Sonali Gurpur No. Obviously not.
January 16 at 7:18am · Like

BADI BHABHI - Episode III - BB calling



BB calling
by Sonali Gurpur on Tuesday, January 18, 2011 at 11:19am
BB called. I picked it up in spite of my apprehensions. She was civil in an olde worlde kind of way, asking about every body's health. expressing concern over issues that cause concern etc etc. Then she told me,"Mehengai ka zamana hai. CVS mein buy 2 get 1 free Q Tips mil raheen hain. Jaake khareed lo," and she said she grocery shopped on Sunday, cooked yesterday, is calling up friends and family today, as per her weekly routine. I guess she's not so bad after all.
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  • Daman Sahni likes this.

BADI BHABHI - Episode IV - THE BELLY BUTTON DANCE




*BB called. And for the life of me I can't figure out her greeting,"Tumhara belly button theek hai?" 
Translation : ( Is your belly button okay?)

I mean this was before "hello, how are you."
Scratching my head. Then the rest of the conversation was a bit disjointed too but somewhat saner. I'm wondering if she's on something, or ought to be on something.
January 26 at 4:44pm ·  · Like · 
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  • Aloka Ray likes this.


Sonali Gurpur Aloka, I wish you could meet her. She can be very intimidating if you were raised with the strong belief "Elders are ALWAYS right", because she peppers her speech with a lot of shlokas, aphorisms and quotes from the Bible and Quoran. Once you get past that she is a lot of fun to be around, just waiting to see what she might say or do next. She is an entire Vaudeville act all by herself, the poor old lady.
January 27 at 6:01am · Like


Aloka Ray Wish I could....seems quite interesting :)
January 27 at 6:45am · Like



Sonali Gurpur Let's see what she does or says next. 
I'm wondering if there are more people like her or if she is a very unique specimen.
January 27 at 7:03am · Like

 *BB today

by Sonali Gurpur on Saturday, January 29, 2011 at 6:05pm
Uh-oh, BB called, rattled after spending half the day at the ER. She woke up with a terrifying earache and thought she might die, her neighbor who took her to the ER thought it was an ear infection. The Dr told her she had packed gunk and a woolly mass in there so they put some pink syrup in them and washed them out with warm water and she is feeling good as new. To be on the safe side they handed her a prescription in case she developed a fever. She is quite upset with the Dr however, "Bees saal ka bhi nahin hai, apni Amma to kaan saaf karne sikhaa raha hai. Kaun aak ji taareek mein bob pin se kaan ka mael nikalta hai. Q tip ka zamana hai. Bhookha marega doctari nahin chodega toh."

TRANSLATION: (He isn't even twenty, and he wants to teach his grandmother how to suck eggs. He will die a pauper if he doesn't quit medicine.)


*BB
BB is feeling better, the QTip episode well behind her. She went furniture shopping all day in the drizzle and has her heart set on a "ball and claw" table. I don't know where this is headed but it seems like a step in the right direction.

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*How long are you obliged to offer someone a shoulder to cry on? 

Badi Bhabhi (BB) needs to get a life. In the middle of my chores the phone rang and I saw her number but picked it up despite all my apprehensions only because she is newly bereaved.
Bam! She did it again. No hi, no hello, her greeting was,"Thumara belly button theek hai???" {Translation :  Is your belly button okay?}Only this time I did not respond. I remained silent giving her time to reflect on her own words. 

After 5 seconds or so she says, "Theek hai jaane do. Pata hai meri didi ( older sister ) ka phone tha. Mere bachchon ne usko phone kiya tha yeh poochne ke liye lehenga satin mein ya taffeta mein zyada sundar lagta hai. Mere betiyan mujhko phone nahin karti hain. Us saali ko phone karti reheti hain. Kamaaoo hai na. Meri tarah housewife nahin hai. Kaash main bhi doctor hoti apni betiyon jaise toh meri kadr karte mere bachche. Sab power ka aur paison ka khel hai. Jab tak ye zinda they bachche roz phone kiya karte the. Ab nahin. Unko apni Amma se kuch nahin milega toh phone kyon karenge?""{Translation : Never mind  about your belly button. My older sister just called from India. My daughters call her all the time asking her for advice on trivial matters like what to wear. They call that bitch but they don't call me. I don't earn but she does so she gets their respect. I wish I was a doctor too then they would love me too. Tell you what, life is all about money. As long as my husband was alive my daughters called home every day. Now he's dead and they call no more. They know I can give them nothing."}
Her other phone rang and she excused herself to answer it since it was from her didi ( older sister )" again. I'm not sure what her problem was but on an international call she yelled her lungs out at her didi,"Don't encourage my children to call you by talking sweetly to them. Why do you have to be friends with my children when you have children and grandchildren of your own? Don't talk to my kids." With that she hung up on her didi and asked me yet again, "Tumhara belly button theek hai? {Is your belly button okay?}" I had to hang up.
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*BB ka bb problem solved

by Sonali Gurpur on Tuesday, February 15, 2011 at 10:06am
BB aaj Badi Bhabhi se Bheegee Billi hui hai. Unka naya roop bada pyara hai. Belly button ka raaz khul gaya. { BB went from Badi Bhabhi to 'wet cat' today. The secret of the belly button was revealed today.} She spent the better part of Valentine's Day at the Dr's office, the same young Dr's office who removed the "woolly mass" from her ear. This time he asked her if she used Q Tips for belly button hygiene. She hated him for asking her that I'm sure. She had to be seen for a severely painful bb (belly button) from leftover cotton fibers getting soaked each day and was told to stick to wash cloths. This time she was not arrogant. She has finally understood her limitations. Now I can stop getting annoyed by her greeting,"Tumhara bb theek hai? {Is your belly button okay?}
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Anamitra Roy Barbeq to blackberry problem solved ?
February 15 at 10:40am · Like
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Sonali Gurpur Does that mean I was getting BBQ'd? I was. I didn't know how to deal with older people who are stupid/mean/vulgar because I was raised to respect all elders. Only now I am understanding how stupid people can be despite their age.
February 15 at 10:44am · Like

BADI BHABHI - Episode V - Mrs. Pious Lady and The Big Bad Boyz 

Badi Bhabhi ko kuch log bade pyare lagte hain.

Woh hain Lady Gaga, OJ Simpson, Tiger Woods.

Bhajan keertan ka bhi shauk rakhti hain.

 

BADI BHABHI - Episode VI - FAIR 'N LOVELY



BB said,"Mujhe dekho, main kitni gori aur kitni khubsoorat hoon, lekin mere pagal pati ko sirf lambi aur kali ladkiyan pasand theen."

{TRANSLATION : Look at me, I am so fair and beautiful, but my stupid husband only liked tall, dark girls."}

BADI BHABHI - Episode VII - Look At Me, Only Me



Badi Bhabhi was in an adivsory mood, "You girls better watch out, you are all rebelling against your husbands by getting yourselves corporate jobs. Your husbands will soon all be dead.

My neighbor did that, her husband died in five years.

My sister-in-law did that, in a different way, she had an affair with my brother's boss, and he died in two years.

Look at me, I was such a good wife. I always worked at a job at a much lower level than my husband's. I never let him feel I was competing with him as head of household."


BADI BHABI - EPISODE VIII - Hallelujah for figs!




Hallelujah for figs! BB had figs. And they helped. TREMENDOUSLY. But she figured it out only now. 


Two days ago, in the middle of a toothache, I got this panicky call from her, BB saying she was so scared she might die. "Why? You looked okay the last time I saw you. What happened?" I asked. She said a little while ago she almost passed out in the loo having a vision of herself on a funeral pyre because she saw lots of red in the water. She was crying hysterically thinking she might die of a shock induced heart attack and hoped her neighbors would check on her since they would not see her taking her dog for a walk. 


I told her to calm down. It is okay. These things happen.


She said she was calling because she was calm. When she stopped crying she brought out a trusty cotton bud, stuck it up her ***, and checked, and it was red but lumpy so she performed a sniff test if you please, and remembered she had had lasagna for lunch, prune and cranberry juice for breakfast, red wine and chicken tikka masala for dinner three days ago.

That episode led to a cleansing after years.
She says it was those figs her neighbor gave to her. "They're great. And taste better than Isabgol." 

                                                                                                                                  -  SDG

Monday, May 13, 2013


BADI BHABHI - Episode IX


Guess who has the most amazing love story ever! Yes. It is BB. She met her husband in kindergarten, and on the first day of school her father-in-law decided one day she would be her daughter-in-law. She fell madly in love with her husband in the 5th standard but he was cavorting around with other girls. She prayed day and night, gayatri mantra, Hail Mary, namaaz, all 3, every day, and a guruji came to her in a dream and said,"Tumhara byah kisi aur se hone wala tha magar tumhara priyatam tumko mil gaya" on her 18th birthday. He called her from a cricket camp to wish her a happy birthday and proposed to her. They got married after he finished his PG and quit playing cricket full time. She says in a vision she saw her daughter as a newborn and then a few weeks later found out she was having a baby. Again in a vision, the morning before he passed away, a deceased relative, her husband's cousin tapped on her car window and asked for permission to take her husband with him."

They must have been soul mates. She begs to differ though but who knows. Human beings can only guess at such things. Any how, soul mates or not, it is quite a story.
After such a touching and beautiful romance how did the marriage go so wrong, I've been wondering since yesterday? I'm thinking it was a case of "buyer's remorse", especially on her part. She was a "sore winner" . She achieved her one and only goal, having flunked the medical entrance test 5 times, and then had no where to use her competitive and aggressive spirit so she turned it on full blast toward her own family. I have a couple of relatives like that so I know how destructive they can be. I wish they had had a happier life. Her daughters are nice, and from what I hear about him, their Dad was nice too. So marrying ones soul mate is not the answer to any body's troubles. A marriage is still a marriage. It takes love and patience and commitment and team spirit and basic common sense...all those good things, to make it work.
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Sonali Gurpur 
Now that I'm talking about studying, perhaps a masters or a certification, so hopefully I can teach, BB is saying,"Akalmand apne bachchon ko school bhejte hain aur moorkh unko padhate hain." I could not even respond my jaw was hanging so low so long. Her husband was a teacher for 30 yrs. Her beti stepped in to protect the memory of her Dad and said,"Mummy tried to get a teaching job at least 13 times but could not so she hates teachers." Thank you baby girl for telling me that or I would have thought BB was being so mean to me, my Mom, my Grandma, all of whom were teachers. So it was all about her and her self image problems.
4 minutes ago · Like
  • Sonali Gurpur 

We ate chole and puris for nashta. The chole was exceptional. BB is a good cook. Her daughter and she made the puris together. And as puris often turn out, some were soft and fluffy, some were not. BB sat down at the table, and announced, to no one in particular,"Yeh naram puriyan maine banaayin. Papad meri bitiya ne banaayin. Doctari padh rahi hai na, kitchen ka kaam nahin aataa hai." The poor kid was so demoralized. They made all the puris together, so BB really shouldn't have said that. I wish I had negated that biased statement. If I tell her next week it won't have the same meaning.
Anyways, as I was leaving, her daughter's friend stopped by for a second, to give her something. She breezed in, cheerful soul, said hellos all around, cracked us up with a couple of witticisms, and left. After she left, as BB was seeing me off, she says,"So don't you think it is fishy? Don't you think she is loose?"
"What do you mean?"
"Look at her bustline."
"Whose bustline?"
"(girl's name.)
"When in the world do you go around looking at people's bustlines BB? And she is your daughter's friend. Think before you talk. Don't accuse someone of having no morals without thinking. How would you feel if someone said that about your kids?"
"My nephew wants to marry her. All because of it. He saw her once now he wants to marry her. He used to like Poonam Dhillon now he wants to marry this black girl."
"BB, nobody makes an offer of marriage based on bustlines. Get over it."
"You don't know men. They like such women. You know what she said to my dog last time she was here? She asked him if he wanted to h^^^p the sofa."
"BB you are so silly. Kids talk like that these days amongst friends. Relax. She probably did not realize you could hear her."
"But look at her..."
"Okay. I get your drift. I need to run. Khuda hafiz. Phir milenge. Thanks for the awesome chole and puris." "
May 20 at 11:11pm · Like
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 BADI BHABHI - Episode X - Gori tera gaon bada pyara



Sonali Gurpur -  I believe I neglected to mention BB's kitchen cabinets, on the inside, the doors have pictures of Michael Jackson, on 7 of them. One is a shrine to O J Simpson. She saw me looking at them and said,"I love dark skinned men. My husband was like that. I am a brahmin but he was a shudhra. Rich black skin. I know your husband is very very fair. Do you like fair men?"
20 years, 4 babies later, that is a moot question I thought so I just smiled and thought this woman is mighty strange.
about a minute ago · Like
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Sonali Gurpur 
BB has a well developed treatise on complexions. She said,"Ladkian gori honi chahiyen. Mard sawale hone chaiyen. Tab asli raunak lagti hai. Dekho mujhko mai kitni gori hoon. Isiliye mere husband ne mujhko chuna, warna cricketer ke paas bahut choices hoti hain. Un saari ladkiyon mein se, mere husband ne mujhko chuna. Aur meri kismat dekho. Meri betiyan mere jaise giddi aur mere husband jaisi kaali hain."

"BB kismat se kisiko aapki betiyon jaise intelligent aur socially conscious bachche milte hain. Dono bahut sweet hain. Rang, height, ek minute ke baad dikkthi nahin hain. dono ki personality dekhiye. Bahut pyari hain."
23 hours ago · Like ·   1 person
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Sonali Gurpur ‎"Tumko kuch nahin pata. Pagal baap ki pagal betiya. Yeh kya yunhi ghar aayi hai. Boyfriend se break up kar ke aayi hai. Boyfriend ne kaha dimagi halat theek nahin hai. Apne sare bra panties fireplace mein jalaa ke aayi hai."

"Stress mein kum umr mein log aisa karte hain. Usko emotional support do. Ninda mat karo."

"Yahan se jab ye chali jayegi tab mein behoshi ki neen soyungi. Kaali kaluti kulta kahinki."
23 hours ago · Like ·   1 person
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Mariam : Is this creative writing or a real commentary about your BB Sonal ???
21 hours ago · Like
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Mariam  :makes interesting reading ;)
21 hours ago · Like
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Sonali Gurpur  : You can't make up this stuff Mariam . It is creative nonfiction. These are real conversations with real people.  These conversations were held day weeks months apart. All I have done is eliminate the time lag.
20 hours ago · Like

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